Monday, January 30, 2012

Warning: Meltdown and Horrible Language Ahead

Yada yada *filling up space because I don't know how it comes up in the following box when I do a jump break in the very beginning of a post and I don't want people who don't care seeing this because honestly this is not me and not the way I usually write and I don't want it to come out that way*

Anyways. So yeah. I think I completely fucked everything up tonight. And you know that I'm completely breaking down, because I can count the amount of times I've said/typed that word on one hand ("I f*cking love you" to Clay to show him I could (I brushed my teeth right afterwards), "I f*cking hate you" to this kid Ravi on the band trip last year while he was terrorizing Moxi, "Hey George, guess what? I can say f*ck" to George this past summer, and then a few minutes ago on AVEN ("I just f*cked everything up"), and then just now. First three were said, last two typed).

So I'm sexually attracted to this guy, right? First guy ever. EVER. We'll call him Rum Tum Tugger. I told him on... must have been Tuesday. He said stuff like "I understand" and "My curiosity is satisfied" and stuff. I took that to mean "no."

Remember when I said I didn't like Ron? Lie. I do. I've been crushing on him since October, but it was one of those crushes that you figure will go away. He knows that I like RTT. He told me he liked me on Friday. I said I liked him back. He asked if I wanted to do anything about it. I told him to give me a day to think about it. Saturday I told him yes.

Tonight, RTT is drunk off his ass and messaging me on Facebook. It was pretty cool at first. He was completely open, and up to answering any question I had for him. We start talking about me being attracted to him. One thing led to another, and I ended up virtually screaming at him for not telling me last week. I asked him if he was being honest or if it was the alcohol talking. He responded all the alcohol did was make him make typos and make him say things that he would usually keep to himself.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what I feel. I WANT HIM, and he'll let me have him. And even though I vehemently denied him when he asked, I think I like him more than just sexually. I think I maybe really really really like him romantically. I don't want to hurt Ron.

Fuck. My. Life.
That makes six.

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