Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Love My Freshmen

So as a band member I interact with freshmen more than your average junior. There are two particular freshmen that I adore and have adopted as my own.

Joey- by far my favorite freshman. He plays cymbals in drumline. He is tall (six foot even right now) and he says he's supposed to grow at least five more inches by the end of high school. He is the sweetest thing ever. Whenever I see him, I get a hug from him. I have fallen asleep on his shoulder several times on the bus. He's kind of just accepted it as a given that it's going to happen. He's actually dating Moxi's godsister, who is also adorable. So the two of them together just makes me overload lol. On the last day of band camp this past year I hung out with him and a couple other drumline kids between sessions. We went to this nerd store on Main Street called Days of Knights, and then McDonald's, and then back to the school. On our way back, it started pouring. We were really close to the school when it started thundering. I kind of jumped and whimpered, and he put his arm around me and started comforting me. Then when we got back to the band room for the drumline practice, he made me put on the hoodie he had in his locker because I was shivering uncontrollably (the rain was cold!). It was huge :D Then he gave me highlighters and I made my music pretty ^-^ My friend David and I spar a lot and I usually end up getting hurt. Joey doesn't like that and he usually ends up holding me back :P Overall he's a very sweet kid and I adore him.

Sarah- My second favorite freshman. She's also very sweet. She's in my section, and is the little sister of our drum major's boyfriend. This caused our band director to have high standards for her. He singled her out a lot for the first couple of months, and made her cry at least once. I felt like ripping him a new one when he brought her to tears at one of the games. At the first game Jason showed up to, I went to sit next to the one freshman in our section who I absolutely do NOT like because I'm the only one willing to put up with him for an entire game so it's an unspoken rule that that's where I sit. She said "Delaney come sit by me tonight!" because she knew I didn't want to sit with him :P Then after I saw Jason, she was the second one to notice I was in tears. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that Jason dumped me when he realized I wasn't going to have sex with him, which is the PG version of what happened. She responded "If I ever find out you did something like that I swear I'll punch you!" which kind of made me want to give her a huge hug because she doesn't know I'm asexual. Then she told me I had to ignore him and have fun and not let him ruin my night. Audrey (the third C-Clan freshman, who I also love but don't have any stories about) overheard bits and pieces, and asked what happened. Sarah said "You DON'T wanna know!" with this little hand motion and head bobble that was hilarious. Once Audrey and I had stopped laughing, Sarah and I switched places so I could explain to her without Sarah having to hear again.

I love those two, and Audrey. I'll post a story about her when I have a good one ^-^

Song of the Day: "w.a.m.s." by Fall Out Boy ("we all mean something")

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tonight's Victories

So there's this guy I've mentioned on here before who hasn't made it to the cast list yet because this is the first time I'm actually writing about him specifically named Jason. You'll hear more about him later. What you need to know for this story is that we were "together" for the month of August. He never wanted to put a label on anything. He was constantly touching me where I didn't want to be touched, even when I said no. Which technically is sexual abuse. Just saying. 

After college started up again for him, he stopped talking to me, which confirmed my friend Dave's theory that Jason was just a swinger and I was occupying him while he waited for college to start. Then in the middle of September he texted me. "Hey." That's all. No excuses for ignoring me, no apologies, nothing. So after about thirty-six hours of consulting all of the people I idolize and debating with myself, I sent the message Mary suggested. "I'm done with you. I deleted you from my contacts, my Facebook, and my life. Please don't contact me again."

He showed up at the last football game of the regular season. I cried when I saw him. One of my freshmen, Sarah, asked what was wrong. I told her the summarized version of what had happened with him. She told me not to let him bother me (and some other stuff, but I'll get to that in another post). He sat with all of my out-of-band friends, and so during third quarter when I don't have to sit with the band I found somewhere else to go. 

Tonight was a play-off game, and he came again. This time I did not cry. I felt like throwing up, sure, but I didn't cry. And at third quarter, I went with Jake to sit with my friends. Here's what it originally looked like from my point of view. The top of the picture is the field. There were more people and more rows, obviously, but I drew what's important. 
Then Danny came along. 

"Hi Danny."
"Hi, Laney."
"I need a hug. I feel like shooting somebody."
*gives very long hug* "Why? What did Jake do now?"
"No." *gestures towards Jason*
"Oh. Ohhhhhh."
Throughout the quarter we made jokes about hurting Jason. "Spilling" scalding hot chocolate on him, kicking him in the balls, etc. It was fun to fantasize about that.

Then Jake left to get food, and I saw Joey (another freshman who I'll get to later). I called him up, and he took Jake's spot.

And then Jake came back. 

Then I saw Neil standing in front of Jason looking for a place to sit. I yelled his name and got him to sit behind me. 

Joey gave me sips of his hot chocolate, which turned into him giving me the whole cup, and then leaving to go get more. My friend David came over and sat down. 

I started whining that David was going to hurt me (we have a love-hate relationship), so Neil moved down to protect me. He is my personal human shield. 

Then Joey came back and started playing with my hair. I very much enjoy when people play with my hair. Even just me having it up in a ponytail and them batting it or tugging it. I don't know why I like it, I just do. 

So pretty much most of the stuff that went on would have happened even if Jason wasn't there, and there wasn't anything that didn't happen because he was. Maybe I was a little louder and more obnoxious with my happiness, but none of it was forced after the first few minutes. I feel like that was an accomplishment, especially when you compare it to the last time I saw him. 

Although, if I'm being honest, it was hard. If I wasn't being distracted, I was looking at Jason and longing for him to turn around. I wanted him to apologize. I wanted him to hold me. I don't think it was the fact that it was him so much as that I knew he was comfortable, and recently I guess I've been the asexy version of horny. I desperately want to cuddle/be held. By practically anybody. Even if I had no romantic feelings for them. Just to satisfy the need. And to see someone who's been physically satisfying like that, even someone who took it way too far... I just wanted a connection with him again. In fact I'm sorely tempted to add him on Facebook again and go from there, just to be held. But I didn't talk to him, I didn't touch him (even though he was easily within my reach while I was sitting with them), and I didn't add him. 

Also, another victory- OUR FOOTBALL TEAM IS GOING TO STATES!!!

Song of the Day: "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" by Fall Out Boy

Friday, November 25, 2011

Memory Box #1: The Gatorade Bottle

So in my room I have this big moving box full of "trash." Each piece of “trash” has a story behind it.  One item is the Gatorade bottle.

The school day at my high school starts at 7:15 AM.  Technically we’re not allowed to enter classrooms or any hallways besides the main one until 7:00 AM.  For the first two years of my high school career, I listened to this rule.  One day last year, I saw my friend George around 6:50.

“Do you want to go to 711?” he asked.

“Now?” I asked, incredulously.

He shrugged. “We’ve got time,” he responded.

“I can’t be late.”

“You won’t be,“ he said.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to go with him.  711 wasn’t that far away.  In fact, it was maybe a 5 minute walk.  The only problem in my mind was the fact that we wouldn’t be walking, we’d be taking George’s Rodeo. The road between the school and the convenience store was one way, and not the right way.  That meant we’d have to go in a big circle.

The entire way I was perched on the edge of the passenger seat in George’s SUV, bouncing slightly and playing with a rubber band.  To put it plainly, I was terrified.  Being late triggers my panic attacks like nothing else can.  But I took the risk, and I was trusting George not to let me down.  I was also exhilarated.  I had never done something like that. Okay, maybe there was that one time, but that’s another story for later.

We pulled into the 711 parking lot at 7:03.  By this point, I was giggling nervously. The person working there probably thought that we were going to steal something because of that. We wandered around for maybe a minute. George asked if I had any money; I said no. He bought me a blue Gatorade on the condition that I'd pay him back (this happens a lot, I probably owe him like twenty dollars now that I've been slowly paying him back). We were back in the car by 7:06. I was still nervous, but calmer since we were less than a minute's drive from the school if we were lucky with the lights. 

We weren't. We hit both of them. 

But we still pulled into the parking lot at 7:09. 

George was laughing at me for being so scared. My first class of the day was Telecom, which is in the main hallway. In fact, it was pretty close to where I ran into him in the first place. I speedwalked to the room and was in my seat by 7:13. 

The whole thing was a pretty liberating experience. I will forever look back on it as one of my favorite memories with George. It was a lot of fun and a total adrenaline rush.Which, when you think about it, is pretty sad. 

So now there's a Gatorade bottle with George's name written on it in Sharpie in the memory box. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Thanksgiving is never very big in my house. We've had extended family at our table maybe twice in my life. Today, though, we went to my mom's boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. It was nice. I like Miss Lou (his mom). Also. They have dogs.

The first dog, Maddie, was a mutt. The best way to describe her would be an extremely fat weiner dog. She was very excited when we first walked in, but she calmed down relatively fast. She was by my side most of the night because she liked the way I used my wrist brace to scratch at the base of her tail. She kept running into the kitchen to get in the way and then running back to where my sisters and I were. They'd call her name desperately and I would just sit there coloring. She'd ignore them and run right to me to be scratched.

The other dog was a poodle named Molly and she was crazy. She got excited and then didn't calm down for an hour and a half. It was adorable. She kept skittering in sideways with her back arched and her head tilted all the way to the side. She looked like a badly animated Muppet. Every now and then she'd get close even to pet, and she was soooooo soft.

At one point Maddie was sitting next to me getting scratched and Molly ran in. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. All I could think was "WE R SOUND-MAKING BUDDIES."

Eventually Molly calmed down, but she was still crazy. I got called over to "the adult table" while they were socializing. Molly was sitting on Miss Lou's lap. She hopped down, ran over, and began licking my pants.

Song of the Day: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco (the only song by them I know and like)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Spider

A few nights ago I was home alone, making a pot pie like I do a lot. I took it out of the oven and walked away to do something else while it cooled off a little bit so it wouldn't stick when I dumped it out. When I came back, I noticed a spider hanging by its thread from the ceiling. Right above my pot pie.

I'm not normally afraid of spiders. In fact, I think they're pretty cool. However, there are some times when I'm stressed out when I revert back to little kid me and become afraid of everything. That night was one of those times.

I picked up my oven mitt and swung at it wildly, throwing the mitt to the side to be dealt with later. I saw the mitt connect with the spider, and saw the spider go flying. Thinking I'd conquered it, I went back to the pot pie. And found myself face to face with the evil thing.

This happened four or five times before I decided to try a new tactic. If I looked closely, I could see the thread it was hanging from. I took a deep breath, grabbed it, and flailed wildly. Once I was sure that I had freaked out enough to send the spider flying, I checked my pot pie to make sure it hadn't landed on it (and thought to myself that I probably should have backed up before getting rid of the spider).

My mom arrived home while I was sitting on the couch eating the pot pie. Pot pies always make me happier, and I was triumphant over my battle with the spider, so I was in a good mood. She turned on Big Bang Theory and I forgot about the spider.


Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the spider. On my face.

I screamed, smacked myself in the face, and stood up all at once. I rushed upstairs and jumped in the shower. I scrubbed all over. Then I got out, put on a clean pair of pajamas, and went downstairs to explain to my mom.

For all I know that spider's still in my house somewhere, waiting for the best moment to scare the crap out of me again. IT JUST WON'T DIE. 

Song of the Day: "Pavlove" by Fall Out Boy

Monday, November 21, 2011


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I guess it has to do with this song: 

It also has to do with a talk I had with Mary recently. 

For a while now, part of me has been defined by whatever guy I was with at the time. Either I was Bryar's whatever-you'd-like-to-call-it, or I was Clay's girlfriend, or I was Jason's toy. And if I wasn't one of those, I was grieving the loss of the title. I think I'm officially over all three of them for the most part (there are still some late nights where I can't stop myself from missing them), and I'm not one hundred percent sure what to do with myself. I am nobody's anything. Or at least that's how I was thinking. 

But maybe... maybe I am mine. Maybe I don't need some guy to have some claim on me to be a legitimate person. Maybe I can be somebody all by my lonesome. 

I'm not one hundred percent sure who I am without them. I feel like part of my personality morphed when I was with them, and that part doesn't know what it's supposed to look like now. Maybe that's why I felt so empty when they left. Maybe that piece of me went off to sulk in a corner because it was too overwhelmed to function. 

Right now there are a couple of guys I'm interested in, but it doesn't look like either of them is going to make a move anytime soon. I was sitting there trying to figure out who I wanted to be with more. But maybe I don't need to be with either of them right now. Maybe it'd be a bad idea to be with either right now. 

I think I definitely need to spend some time figuring out who I am without being part of a pair. I mean, sure, I'm Mary's sister and Jake's friend and Joey's favorite upperclassman and Zach's partner in crime, but even if all of my friends and family suddenly disappeared, it's not like I'd cease to exist. There is a person in me that does not need others to be valid. Whoever the one for me is, he's not going to love me because of my connection to someone. He's going to love me for that independently genuine part. And if I don't have any clue what that part is, how can I expect him to?

The reason the song brought this on is it made me start thinking about how much I'd like to have someone who loved my flaws as much as my strengths like the narrator did for the person he was singing to. Then I realized I didn't really know what either of them were, besides stuff like I can't cook but I can sing. I know the kind of person I'd like to be, but I don't know who I am right now. 

I'm not saying that if either of these guys were to ask to be more than friends with me I'd say no for this reason alone. It's just something to think about in the meantime. 

P.S. My laptop is being extremely temperamental, but it's working more than it did a month ago. Which is good. 

Monday, November 14, 2011


I dropped NaNoWriMo.
I can't focus on anything.
I've been picking fights with everyone.
I can't stay awake to save my life.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Song of the Day:

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Hey Blog

Day one went really well. Day two died. Completely. I have hit the wall. That's all there is to it.
Know what's sad? The fact that my teachers, my doctor, and even my ex-stepdad who I don't talk to anymore can see what my mother refuses to.
I'm gonna start getting counseling at school.
I love my history teacher.

Song of the Day: Taylor Swift. Period. I can't stop listening to her. Specifically "I <3 ?" and "I'd Lie" and "Your Anything." The songs I discovered on YouTube and haven't been released as singles and overplayed. Because I do love Taylor Swift, I just hate every single she's put out now :P I especially love "I <3 ?" Go listen to it. And "Invisible." Here. Listen.
And I really like "Tied Together with a Smile" but I can't get through it without sobbing. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

NaNoWriMo Begins!

This is the first pre-scheduled post. I do like the fact that I can pre-schedule posts.

Today starts NaNoWriMo! My plan for today was to be up at midnight to write a page like I have the two years before, and to hit 5k by Wednesday.

In the meantime in my absence I leave you with this creepy, but good-intentioned, link.