2011 in Review Part One

Splitting it into two parts because I have too much to say ^-^


January- I did the camera for the UD home hockey games. It was a total blast. I've love to do something like that again. Jake came along for the first game, and for most of the rest of the games, Clay came. He posted a status about having nothing to do. I told him to come to the game. He brought along Dana. He and Dana came over to my house after the game. They took apart my Rubik's cube :P I couldn't get it back together, so he came back later that week. And again. And again.

February- Clay and I started going out on the first. He asked if I liked him; I said yes. I asked if he wanted to go out; he said yes. I had my first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend and maintained my hatred of the day. My dad came up for my birthday and I had the best birthday party of all time. It lasted a full twenty four hours and we had a balloon animal guy and two separate magic shows (one hired, one by a friend of mine). I got my second degu, and she died six days later.

March- Bryar and I officially stopped talking. I started playing my first Pokemon game (Fire Red on an emulator). I got a donut from Dunkin' Donuts that only had sprinkles on half of it. Never went there again. Our gerbils had babies. I started really experimenting with my chocolate making. We got a dog, Levi, who was a German Shepherd/Rottie mix. Beautiful dog. I started watching Red vs. Blue and bought Clay the DVD set for his birthday. My beloved degu, Pika, died, and I got a rabbit who I named Gracie Alberta Tex.

April- Clay took me to see Sucker Punch in theaters, and it became my favorite movie made after my birth. We got ducklings. Levi attacked me and we gave him back to his former owners. I went on the band trip to Atlanta. The first three days were horrible, the last two were wonderful. I stopped talking to Moxi because of events on the band trip. I played through Portal for the first time and loved it.

May- The ducks ran away. I learned how to shoot an airsoft sniper rifle and ended up shooting myself in the leg. I finally saw a show by our high school's improv troupe and fell in love. Jake had an "end of the world bonfire" and asked me if it'd be okay to have the fire inside. I made a call from a rotary phone during the bonfire (which thankfully took place outside). I had my first job interview at the local pet store, but I didn't get the job mainly because I have no experience. I started Portal 2. I started playing bass. Two friends of mine broke up, and she went ballistic and we're now no longer friends because I took his side.

June-  Mary and I spoke face-to-face for the first time. We got two new degus. Some of my best friends graduated, and I cried. I found out my favorite teacher ever took a new job, and I cried harder. I ran into Bryar on my way out of school, and he saw me crying and didn't say anything. I was in the marching band for the Blue-Gold football game for the second year in a row and I got sun poisoning. We got Friscuit, who became known as "LeeLeeKitty" on AVEN chat and became as much of a regular as I was at the time. Bryar asked to hang out with Clay and said he'd be fine with me tagging along. It ended up being an amazing day.

Kirby Mass Attack

So today I spent the Walmart gift card from my great-aunt, the $10 from my aunt and uncle, and the leftover $5 from my mega babysitting marathon in preparation for Christmas shopping to get a new video game. It took less than a minute of looking at the display to choose Kirby Mass Attack.

I've had a love affair with Kirby since September of last year. I went to my friend Katie's house for a "chillax." Pretty much it was a bunch of her friends hanging out, eating food and playing video games. This was a few months before I really started playing video games. Somehow her boyfriend, Dave, talked me into playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I literally didn't know any of the characters, so I hit the random button and ended up with Kirby. I literally set the controller down on the ground and started mashing buttons with my pointer fingers. Somehow I actually did okay, considering I was up against seasoned veterans of the game. Every time I went to Dave's house after that, I begged him to let me play something with Kirby. I was always Kirby for Super Smash Bros. Melee. Everyone else became accustomed to my angry glares if they even considered picking Kirby. Dave even dragged out Kirby Air Ride for me (and promptly kicked my ass, as he believes you learn better if no one goes easy on you).

However, Kirby Mass Attack is the first real Kirby game I've ever played. I don't count the other two, because the first isn't specifically Kirby and the second I've only played twice. Overall, I am enamored. I'm a little disappointed that I can't do something to make Kirby make the little vacuum noise and eat his enemies, though. I've beat one out of five levels so far. For me, it's the right balance of challenging and doable, so I haven't thrown my DS across the room because of it yet (like with Pokemon Ruby...), but I'm not bored. For the first time in forever, I'm actually pleased with a purchase I have made ^-^

Update on Dana: He accepted my friend request. I'm hoping he'll come see me sometime soon ^-^

Toradora!

Mary recently introduced me to an anime I hadn't heard of before. It's from 2008 and it's called Toradora! if you couldn't tell from the title of this post :P It's about two misunderstood high schoolers trying to get through life and get the attentions of the ones they love.
Ryuuji has the type of eyes that you often see attributed to the antagonist of an anime or manga. They're described in the series as "murderous eyes." He got them from his father, who does seem to be the type of guy to deserve him. In the ten episodes I've seen, we don't get to see his father, but we can pick up on things Ryuuji says to understand that there's probably a good reason he's not in the picture. Ryuuji lives with his mother, who works in a hostess bar. She's extremely childish and doesn't seem to know how to take care of herself. She refers to herself in the third person constantly. I kind of want to reach through the screen and punch her a lot of the time.

Dana

So from April until July we had a friend of ours staying in our basement. He wasn't the best boarder, to say the least. He was a druggie. His dad was a druggie, and he got started young. He smoked in our basement, stole from us, and lied about everything. He didn't work because he couldn't pass a drug test. Even with all that, he was still somehow family to us. It's kind of like when you have a puppy who is the most devious thing ever. You may get angry, and you may shove his nose in his poop, but when he looks up at you with his puppy dog eyes and starts licking your face, you can't help but melt. He didn't really have anywhere else to go. No one else would take him in. Eventually we did kick him out, but it had more to do with the fact that my mom's ex, who still owns the house, found out about him and threatened to kick us out. 

I have to say, I liked Dana a whole lot more when he wasn't living with us. He stopped by a couple of times, to pick up stuff or just check up on me. When he found out the way Clay dumped me, he promised me he'd make him apologize. He was constantly telling me to take care of myself and to let him know if there was anything he could do for me. Unfortunately, I have to rely on him to show up somewhere to talk to him, as I have no way to contact him. His number keeps changing as he keeps going back and forth between being homeless and finding a friend to stay with for a week or so at a time. 

My mom ran into him tonight. Apparently, he's joined the military. When I first heard this, I felt nothing but pride. It meant that he was finally shaping up, getting onto his own feet to support himself. Plus, he was giving up a lot to defend our country, and I have always found it admirable. Then my mom dropped the bombshell: He has two more months of training before he was deployed to Iraq. 

I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get to see him before he goes overseas. He's so infrequent and random with his visits that I have no clue when he'll show up. I can't call him. I sent him a message on Facebook but who knows when he'll have the opportunity to check it. I'm almost tempted to get in touch with Clay to see if he knows how to pass word to him. I'm also scared that he won't make it back. Even with everything he did, he's still somewhat like a brother to me. 

Please, keep him in your prayers or thoughts. Here's to hoping for his safe return.

An Open Letter to Our Former Anchor

Warning to my readers: This could get ugly.

Dear Sir:
You may wonder why I'm calling you sir. First off, I don't want to use your name, because I'm about to totally rip on you and I don't want to attach your name to this. Second off, you seem to be better than all of us, so I figured you deserve a title? Am I right?
From all the fuss I've heard from you, first-hand and through others, I've gathered you've been removed from your position. And since I've only heard fuss from you, I guess the rest of the talent is exactly the same.
Wait a minute. They're not? Everyone's been switched around? Oh. Okay. Well, you must have been taken off the show completely.
Wait. You're audio engineer? Oh. Okay. Well, you must not have been taken off because there was no one to replace you.
What was that? There are plenty of people who aren't on the show because although they have the potential, there just aren't enough spots? Oh. Okay. Well, it sounds like this is going to make it harder for you to get into and succeed in college.
Huh? This will actually benefit you? You mean, colleges are looking for well-rounded people who have done more than one thing? And you mean you'll be getting more experience with more jobs this way, getting you even more ahead than most others? And you've already sent out your college applications? Oh. Okay. I guess it was because of your scarf, then. I mean, Freids does make fun of you a lot for it. He must be a homophobe.
Excuse me? A bunch of people who don't wear scarves lost their part, too? Oh. Okay. Well, I guess it's not fair because you're the best anchor our show has ever had.
Did I hear you right? No, I didn't, because you stumbled through your lines and even went off script even though you were looking directly at a teleprompter. But I guess you're still pretty good. So yeah, it sucks that you're the only one who lost their part you got taken off the show you were only kept on because there was no one else there you can't get into college you're being discriminated against YOU'RE A WHINY BITCH WHO NEEDS TO GROW UP.
*calms down*
Sir. You didn't get fired. It was fair. This is actually helping you in the long run. And no, it's not about the scarf. So just chill. Get over yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's okay to be disappointed, it's not okay to try to organize a school wide protest and make everyone hate a great teacher because you didn't get your way.
Sincerely,
A lowly junior

CATS

The first movie I remember ever becoming truly obsessed with was the movie version of the musical Cats. It started when I was two or three. For my fourth birthday we got kittens, and I named mine Magical Mister Mistoffellees and my mom's was Rum Tum Tugger. We had it on VHS and it's pretty close to worn out from all the times I've watched it. I can still recite the commercials that came on before the movie: one for Schweppes, one for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and one for the Broadway version of Cats. I spent a lot of weekend and summer days in the basement of our house, watching it and trying to do the dances (with varying success, usually on the low range of the scale). We got it on DVD a couple years ago, and it's probably the one I've watched the most. I even bought the book of poetry it's based off of with birthday money one year in middle school.

Cats was the first musical I ever saw done professionally live. I can't remember how old I was, but it must have been when I was considerably young, because I only remember two things. First, at the very beginning of the musical, the actors came running up the aisle with glowing eyes. My mom was sitting on the end, and I was sitting next to her. One of the cats leaned over her and right into my face. It was the most terrifying event of my young life. Secondly, when I get overheated I get nauseated. When I was younger, I would actually throw up. I did so right before intermission >.< I made it to the bathroom, though! One of the ushers brought me water in one of those little triangle paper cups, and we watched until intermission on this big screen tv they had in the lobby of the theater that showed what was on stage. After intermission, we went back into the theater and I made it through the rest of the show (or so said my mom when I asked her earlier, I honestly can't remember for myself).

My obsession came back with a vengeance in middle school. I started to not just watch it, but to find stories that weren't so obvious. I think that maybe that's why I love this musical so much. I've always adored things that have more than one meaning. You can either look at it from the perspective of "hey, singing and dancing cats!" or it can be "hey, singing and dancing cats that are related this way and that and have this relationships and those and there's this backstory and..." It's also really great for someone with an overactive imagination to think about when she's bored... >.>

Some of my Backstories

• Munkustrap, Rum Tum Tugger, and Magical Mister Mistoffelees are brothers, and all the sons of Old Deuteronomy. Munkustrap and Tugger are litter mates, and Mistoffelees is younger. Munkustrap is the more responsible one of the older ones, while Tugger is more of a ladies' man, so Munkustrap is their father's right-hand man. Tugger's perfectly fine with this, so the two of them get along great. Mistoffelees, however, doesn't get along with Tugger that well. He wants some of the attention from the female cats, too. He does eventually get it, but he starts off being jealous and irritated by his brother. Tugger approves of Mistoffelees, though. He's proud of him and really supports his magic-ness. 
• Victoria is the name of the white kitty that has the most demanding dancing parts in the show (I know this because one of my pipe-dreams when I was younger was to play her on Broadway so I did research. When I found this out, I dropped the dream :P ). She's one of the younger cats, the same age as Mistoffelees. She's probably going to be similar to the female version of Tugger when she's older, but for now she's just exploring what it means to be seen as a possible mate. She and Mistoffelees are really close friends. He doesn't approve of her infatuation with Tugger. You can see him keeping her awake in the background during Gus's song ^-^ I'm a total shipper for Victoria and Pouncival
• Grizabella has plenty of theories flying around about her. Because of this, I didn't come up with my own theory about her, unlike the others (except Demeter), but instead combined bits and pieces of others'. She left the tribe as a young cat because of being vain. She thought she was better than them, and they didn't enable her, so she left. They allowed her to come back when the real world crushed her, but never really accepted her after it. They felt she deserved everything she got, but Old Deuteronomy convinced them to allow her to rejoin the tribe. 
• Demeter is one of my favorites, but I didn't come up with her backstory on my own. Instead I found it on the interwebs :D Demeter used to be Macavity's mate before he became infamous. Then she realized what a horrible person he was and tried to get out. He made it really difficult for her, which traumatized her. That's why she's so jumpy when she thinks/knows he's around. Bombalurina is either her slightly older sister, or just a very close friend who's slightly older than her. She runs to her a lot when frightened. 

Favorite Songs

• Macavity
• Skimbleshanks
• Of the Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles Together with Some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the Poms and the Intervention of the Great Rumpus Cat!!!
• Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

Favorite Males

• Tugger. Dude. The first (out of two) sexual attraction I ever had was to him. I have to give total props to John Partridge for playing the part of a sex idol so well. 
• Mistoffelees. My second favorite. Forever. He's just... amazing. My perfect guy is him and Tugger put together... in human form. 
• Old Deuteronomy. He's so cuddly!!!

Favorite Females

• Victoria. Forever and always my favorite. 
• Jemima. She's so pretty ^-^ And her voice is gorgeous. 
• Demeter. I don't really know why I feel so strongly towards her, I just do. 

Real-life connections (where the fan-girl really kicks in)- Jake is the Mistoffelees to my Victoria, and Mary is the Bombalurina to my Demeter. I also have my very own Tugger... but that's not something I'm gonna share here :P

Doodle or Die

Just click it. It's like Telephone, only with doodles!

Winners from tonight:

Cutest Shit Ever

 Biggest Insult

Biggest Fail

Best Avoidance:

You can check out the rest of my favorites here.

Song of the Day: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco

A Significant Date

Today is December eleventh. Two years ago today, I attempted suicide for the third time. I haven't since.

About two weeks prior, I had passed Bryar a note during Health. "If I died, would you miss me?"
He looked at me for a second, and then started writing. When he handed it back, the bottom was folded up. He had written "Of course not. I'd throw a party to celebrate."
I shot him a dirty look and said "I'm serious."
He smiled mischievously and unfolded it for me. The bottom of the paper read "Of course, Delaney. This class would be boring as hell without you."

Flash forward two weeks. To be honest, I can't even remember what set me off. I just remember sobbing and getting my sleeping pills from downstairs (I was a horrible insomniac then). I had half a bottle in my hand when I realized that I wanted to leave a note. I searched through my room and the first paper I found had already been written on. "If I died, would you miss me?"
I started crying even harder and put down the pills.



Today is also significant in that it is exactly one year since meeting Clay. For the third time, but we don't count the first two. Before one year ago tonight, all he had said to me was "Why are you taking pictures of everyone but me?" and all I'd said to him was "Sorry."
It was one of Bryar's event things. We were playing Cops and Robbers at one of the local elementary schools. Jason gave me a hiding spot and said "If anyone sees you, run that way." Clay came along, and I did as I was told. Little did we know "that way" was directly into a thorn bush. Clay laughed and left. He came back later when our friend Jimmy was trying to scare me out of it. He asked me to just come out.
"What do I get out of it?"
"I dunno. What do you want? A hug?"
At this, I nodded enthusiastically. I freaking love hugs. I slowly started to climb out, getting many more cuts along the way. He offered to help me, but I responded with the "I got it" that I use when I'm trying to be independent. When I got out, he hugged me and started walking me to "jail." He gave me his hat to stem the bleeding, but I just held it. I didn't want to get blood on his hat!
Throughout the night, I spent a lot of time talking to him. He and Jason tickled me a lot. They also played keep-away with Bun Bun >.< At the end, I left with Bryar to take a couple of girls back to his house to get their car. Before I left, I went over to Clay for a final hug. He said "Hold on a second" and then slid his hand up my side towards my boob. He stopped before he got there, though, and once I realized what he was pretending to do, I jumped back and started screaming at him for "raping" me. He laughed and said that that's not his style.
We all went to dinner a little later at Cici's. He said he had enough to pay for a couple of people. I hid my wallet and asked him to pay for me, saying "With what you did at the school, you might as well buy me dinner." He begrudgingly did. We sat next to each other and I flirted hard all night.
At one point, Clay went to get more pizza. Some of the guys at the table added a bunch of stuff to his drink. Parmesan cheese, pepper, vegetable soup, all sorts of stuff. He came back and took a drink. I started giggling uncontrollably. He asked what was so funny, and I just shook my head and calmed down. He didn't notice anything in the drink until he'd finished it and there was stuff on the bottom.
We didn't talk besides a little bit of flirting over Facebook for about a month. Then I started seeing him every weekend, and then everyday, and then eventually we started dating.

So yeah. Today's a bittersweet day. But it's mostly been good.

Song of the Day: "You Suck at Love" by Simple Plan (really into them right now for some reason)

This Song Saved My Life

I love this song. I love that it captures the way I feel about songs. Music really can change your outlook. It's nice to know that someone out there feels that way enough to write a song about it. It also helps to have a song that can put your feelings into words. And when that song takes the way you feel and makes you feel empowered about it... it's the best.

Some examples for me:

"Waldorf Worldwide" by Good Charlotte.
Freshman year, of course, was the first year I knew Bryar. One thing that we both shared was a deep passion for music. At the time, though, I didn't really know a lot of music. Bryar would send me YouTube videos of songs to listen to, and eventually he just lent me a string bag with about twenty CDs in it.
Whenever I was upset, I turned to him. He'd listen to me rant about whatever trivial or not so trivial thing that was affecting me. Sometimes he would know what to say. Other times he wouldn't, and he'd respond "Tell me how I can help you." I'd tell him, "Tell me it's going to be all right." And he would.
I was upset the night after he gave me the bag. I pulled a random CD out, put it into my CD player, and hit play. This was the song that played.
"March On" also became a fall-back song for me.

"Change" by Taylor Swift.
This one I discovered and fell in love with in middle school. At the time, I was being emotionally abused by my stepdad, and my best friend was being physically abused by his dad. Both of us felt belittled. He has a strong dislike towards Taylor Swift, so I never showed him this song. But it always made me think of the two of us one day fighting back. I did, he still hasn't taken the outs he's been offered. I guess it's a guy thing. I don't know.

"Somedays" by Regina Spektor.
I'm not even sure how to put my feelings for this song into words. Regina Spektor's voice is beautiful. I'm not one hundred percent sure what this song's even about, but it's still beautiful. And the beginning of the song "Some days aren't yours at all/They come and go as if they're someone else's days"... it's just great.

"Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, and the Story of a Lonely Girl" by LostProphets.
I freaking love LostProphets, especially the album this song is off of. I could easily put this entire album on this list. Easily. This song... "Girl you just can't dance forever/If you wanna make it better/Times like this won't last forever" When I'm upset, I listen to this at top volume and just let it be my thoughts. There's no room for anything else. I love this song. I would marry this song if that was possible. Hell, I'd have sex with this song.


And finally, somewhat of a joke, but I had to share this.

The song doesn't really matter. It's what happens about two minutes into the video. I laughed so hard.

Kicking Myself

"Ugh, I have nothing to do in Latin Slash Study Hall."
"Wanna borrow the Kindle?"

In my head now, I can hear Taylor Swift singing "You should've said no..." (Just that line, the next wouldn't make sense. Sure, it'd have been nice to go home...) But Moxi was persistent, and I gave in pretty easily because I didn't want to spend eighty-five minutes staring at the ceiling. I had no books to read, and I didn't have my notebook because SOMEBODY left it at his house even though I reminded him that morning. So in a way this is all Jake's fault <3

I still prefer real books, by the way. But there are some upsides.

Pros of E-Readers

• Being able to carry several books at once without making your backpack weigh more than you do. It's really nice that when you finish one book you can start a new one without having to pull another one out. 
• The books are organized. You can't lose them, and you can search for them and find them easily.  
• If you're trying to find a certain part of the book, you can search within the book (that is, if you know the wording of that part)
• Battery lasts a while

Cons of E-Readers

• There's no "new book smell" or "old book smell." There's no smell, period. 
• It's a lot more complicated to let people borrow an e-book than a real book. 
• I read Christine by Stephen King, and at one point, they're comparing one of the characters' signatures before and after he got possessed. They show both signatures in the book, and the reader's supposed to notice the total change. Except you can't see them on the e-reader. 
• The battery does eventually die. 
• If you accidentally skip a part and become confused, it's hard to go back and go find it. 
• You can't flip the pages of a book. I know there's a vlogbrothers video where one of them rants about not liking e-readers that I quote all the time, but I can't seem to find it. 
• It's a lot easier to steal books with an e-reader, which is bad for the writers and the economy and such. 
• I love libraries and bookstores and we won't have them anymore if the e-readers take over

There are plenty of other reasons I'm against e-readers, but maybe I don't hate them as much as I used to. 

Song of the Day: Not actually a song, but I have it on my iPod. Enjoy. 

Don't just look at her ass, eat it. 

I Love My Freshmen

So as a band member I interact with freshmen more than your average junior. There are two particular freshmen that I adore and have adopted as my own.

Joey- by far my favorite freshman. He plays cymbals in drumline. He is tall (six foot even right now) and he says he's supposed to grow at least five more inches by the end of high school. He is the sweetest thing ever. Whenever I see him, I get a hug from him. I have fallen asleep on his shoulder several times on the bus. He's kind of just accepted it as a given that it's going to happen. He's actually dating Moxi's godsister, who is also adorable. So the two of them together just makes me overload lol. On the last day of band camp this past year I hung out with him and a couple other drumline kids between sessions. We went to this nerd store on Main Street called Days of Knights, and then McDonald's, and then back to the school. On our way back, it started pouring. We were really close to the school when it started thundering. I kind of jumped and whimpered, and he put his arm around me and started comforting me. Then when we got back to the band room for the drumline practice, he made me put on the hoodie he had in his locker because I was shivering uncontrollably (the rain was cold!). It was huge :D Then he gave me highlighters and I made my music pretty ^-^ My friend David and I spar a lot and I usually end up getting hurt. Joey doesn't like that and he usually ends up holding me back :P Overall he's a very sweet kid and I adore him.

Sarah- My second favorite freshman. She's also very sweet. She's in my section, and is the little sister of our drum major's boyfriend. This caused our band director to have high standards for her. He singled her out a lot for the first couple of months, and made her cry at least once. I felt like ripping him a new one when he brought her to tears at one of the games. At the first game Jason showed up to, I went to sit next to the one freshman in our section who I absolutely do NOT like because I'm the only one willing to put up with him for an entire game so it's an unspoken rule that that's where I sit. She said "Delaney come sit by me tonight!" because she knew I didn't want to sit with him :P Then after I saw Jason, she was the second one to notice I was in tears. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that Jason dumped me when he realized I wasn't going to have sex with him, which is the PG version of what happened. She responded "If I ever find out you did something like that I swear I'll punch you!" which kind of made me want to give her a huge hug because she doesn't know I'm asexual. Then she told me I had to ignore him and have fun and not let him ruin my night. Audrey (the third C-Clan freshman, who I also love but don't have any stories about) overheard bits and pieces, and asked what happened. Sarah said "You DON'T wanna know!" with this little hand motion and head bobble that was hilarious. Once Audrey and I had stopped laughing, Sarah and I switched places so I could explain to her without Sarah having to hear again.

I love those two, and Audrey. I'll post a story about her when I have a good one ^-^


Song of the Day: "w.a.m.s." by Fall Out Boy ("we all mean something")

Tonight's Victories

So there's this guy I've mentioned on here before who hasn't made it to the cast list yet because this is the first time I'm actually writing about him specifically named Jason. You'll hear more about him later. What you need to know for this story is that we were "together" for the month of August. He never wanted to put a label on anything. He was constantly touching me where I didn't want to be touched, even when I said no. Which technically is sexual abuse. Just saying. 

After college started up again for him, he stopped talking to me, which confirmed my friend Dave's theory that Jason was just a swinger and I was occupying him while he waited for college to start. Then in the middle of September he texted me. "Hey." That's all. No excuses for ignoring me, no apologies, nothing. So after about thirty-six hours of consulting all of the people I idolize and debating with myself, I sent the message Mary suggested. "I'm done with you. I deleted you from my contacts, my Facebook, and my life. Please don't contact me again."

He showed up at the last football game of the regular season. I cried when I saw him. One of my freshmen, Sarah, asked what was wrong. I told her the summarized version of what had happened with him. She told me not to let him bother me (and some other stuff, but I'll get to that in another post). He sat with all of my out-of-band friends, and so during third quarter when I don't have to sit with the band I found somewhere else to go. 

Tonight was a play-off game, and he came again. This time I did not cry. I felt like throwing up, sure, but I didn't cry. And at third quarter, I went with Jake to sit with my friends. Here's what it originally looked like from my point of view. The top of the picture is the field. There were more people and more rows, obviously, but I drew what's important. 

Then Danny came along. 

"Hi Danny."
"Hi, Laney."
"I need a hug. I feel like shooting somebody."
*gives very long hug* "Why? What did Jake do now?"
"No." *gestures towards Jason*
"Oh. Ohhhhhh."

Throughout the quarter we made jokes about hurting Jason. "Spilling" scalding hot chocolate on him, kicking him in the balls, etc. It was fun to fantasize about that.

Then Jake left to get food, and I saw Joey (another freshman who I'll get to later). I called him up, and he took Jake's spot.

And then Jake came back. 

Then I saw Neil standing in front of Jason looking for a place to sit. I yelled his name and got him to sit behind me. 

Joey gave me sips of his hot chocolate, which turned into him giving me the whole cup, and then leaving to go get more. My friend David came over and sat down. 

I started whining that David was going to hurt me (we have a love-hate relationship), so Neil moved down to protect me. He is my personal human shield. 

Then Joey came back and started playing with my hair. I very much enjoy when people play with my hair. Even just me having it up in a ponytail and them batting it or tugging it. I don't know why I like it, I just do. 

So pretty much most of the stuff that went on would have happened even if Jason wasn't there, and there wasn't anything that didn't happen because he was. Maybe I was a little louder and more obnoxious with my happiness, but none of it was forced after the first few minutes. I feel like that was an accomplishment, especially when you compare it to the last time I saw him. 

Although, if I'm being honest, it was hard. If I wasn't being distracted, I was looking at Jason and longing for him to turn around. I wanted him to apologize. I wanted him to hold me. I don't think it was the fact that it was him so much as that I knew he was comfortable, and recently I guess I've been the asexy version of horny. I desperately want to cuddle/be held. By practically anybody. Even if I had no romantic feelings for them. Just to satisfy the need. And to see someone who's been physically satisfying like that, even someone who took it way too far... I just wanted a connection with him again. In fact I'm sorely tempted to add him on Facebook again and go from there, just to be held. But I didn't talk to him, I didn't touch him (even though he was easily within my reach while I was sitting with them), and I didn't add him. 

Also, another victory- OUR FOOTBALL TEAM IS GOING TO STATES!!!

Song of the Day: "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" by Fall Out Boy

Memory Box #1: The Gatorade Bottle

So in my room I have this big moving box full of "trash." Each piece of “trash” has a story behind it.  One item is the Gatorade bottle.

The school day at my high school starts at 7:15 AM.  Technically we’re not allowed to enter classrooms or any hallways besides the main one until 7:00 AM.  For the first two years of my high school career, I listened to this rule.  One day last year, I saw my friend George around 6:50.

“Do you want to go to 711?” he asked.

“Now?” I asked, incredulously.

He shrugged. “We’ve got time,” he responded.

“I can’t be late.”

“You won’t be,“ he said.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to go with him.  711 wasn’t that far away.  In fact, it was maybe a 5 minute walk.  The only problem in my mind was the fact that we wouldn’t be walking, we’d be taking George’s Rodeo. The road between the school and the convenience store was one way, and not the right way.  That meant we’d have to go in a big circle.

The entire way I was perched on the edge of the passenger seat in George’s SUV, bouncing slightly and playing with a rubber band.  To put it plainly, I was terrified.  Being late triggers my panic attacks like nothing else can.  But I took the risk, and I was trusting George not to let me down.  I was also exhilarated.  I had never done something like that. Okay, maybe there was that one time, but that’s another story for later.

We pulled into the 711 parking lot at 7:03.  By this point, I was giggling nervously. The person working there probably thought that we were going to steal something because of that. We wandered around for maybe a minute. George asked if I had any money; I said no. He bought me a blue Gatorade on the condition that I'd pay him back (this happens a lot, I probably owe him like twenty dollars now that I've been slowly paying him back). We were back in the car by 7:06. I was still nervous, but calmer since we were less than a minute's drive from the school if we were lucky with the lights. 

We weren't. We hit both of them. 

But we still pulled into the parking lot at 7:09. 

George was laughing at me for being so scared. My first class of the day was Telecom, which is in the main hallway. In fact, it was pretty close to where I ran into him in the first place. I speedwalked to the room and was in my seat by 7:13. 

The whole thing was a pretty liberating experience. I will forever look back on it as one of my favorite memories with George. It was a lot of fun and a total adrenaline rush.Which, when you think about it, is pretty sad. 

So now there's a Gatorade bottle with George's name written on it in Sharpie in the memory box. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is never very big in my house. We've had extended family at our table maybe twice in my life. Today, though, we went to my mom's boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. It was nice. I like Miss Lou (his mom). Also. They have dogs.

The first dog, Maddie, was a mutt. The best way to describe her would be an extremely fat weiner dog. She was very excited when we first walked in, but she calmed down relatively fast. She was by my side most of the night because she liked the way I used my wrist brace to scratch at the base of her tail. She kept running into the kitchen to get in the way and then running back to where my sisters and I were. They'd call her name desperately and I would just sit there coloring. She'd ignore them and run right to me to be scratched.

The other dog was a poodle named Molly and she was crazy. She got excited and then didn't calm down for an hour and a half. It was adorable. She kept skittering in sideways with her back arched and her head tilted all the way to the side. She looked like a badly animated Muppet. Every now and then she'd get close even to pet, and she was soooooo soft.

At one point Maddie was sitting next to me getting scratched and Molly ran in. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. Molly barked. Maggie barked. All I could think was "WE R SOUND-MAKING BUDDIES."

Eventually Molly calmed down, but she was still crazy. I got called over to "the adult table" while they were socializing. Molly was sitting on Miss Lou's lap. She hopped down, ran over, and began licking my pants.
Yeah.

Song of the Day: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco (the only song by them I know and like)

The Spider

A few nights ago I was home alone, making a pot pie like I do a lot. I took it out of the oven and walked away to do something else while it cooled off a little bit so it wouldn't stick when I dumped it out. When I came back, I noticed a spider hanging by its thread from the ceiling. Right above my pot pie.

I'm not normally afraid of spiders. In fact, I think they're pretty cool. However, there are some times when I'm stressed out when I revert back to little kid me and become afraid of everything. That night was one of those times.

I picked up my oven mitt and swung at it wildly, throwing the mitt to the side to be dealt with later. I saw the mitt connect with the spider, and saw the spider go flying. Thinking I'd conquered it, I went back to the pot pie. And found myself face to face with the evil thing.

This happened four or five times before I decided to try a new tactic. If I looked closely, I could see the thread it was hanging from. I took a deep breath, grabbed it, and flailed wildly. Once I was sure that I had freaked out enough to send the spider flying, I checked my pot pie to make sure it hadn't landed on it (and thought to myself that I probably should have backed up before getting rid of the spider).

My mom arrived home while I was sitting on the couch eating the pot pie. Pot pies always make me happier, and I was triumphant over my battle with the spider, so I was in a good mood. She turned on Big Bang Theory and I forgot about the spider.

Until.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the spider. On my face.

I screamed, smacked myself in the face, and stood up all at once. I rushed upstairs and jumped in the shower. I scrubbed all over. Then I got out, put on a clean pair of pajamas, and went downstairs to explain to my mom.

For all I know that spider's still in my house somewhere, waiting for the best moment to scare the crap out of me again. IT JUST WON'T DIE. 

Song of the Day: "Pavlove" by Fall Out Boy

Me

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I guess it has to do with this song: 

It also has to do with a talk I had with Mary recently. 

For a while now, part of me has been defined by whatever guy I was with at the time. Either I was Bryar's whatever-you'd-like-to-call-it, or I was Clay's girlfriend, or I was Jason's toy. And if I wasn't one of those, I was grieving the loss of the title. I think I'm officially over all three of them for the most part (there are still some late nights where I can't stop myself from missing them), and I'm not one hundred percent sure what to do with myself. I am nobody's anything. Or at least that's how I was thinking. 

But maybe... maybe I am mine. Maybe I don't need some guy to have some claim on me to be a legitimate person. Maybe I can be somebody all by my lonesome. 

I'm not one hundred percent sure who I am without them. I feel like part of my personality morphed when I was with them, and that part doesn't know what it's supposed to look like now. Maybe that's why I felt so empty when they left. Maybe that piece of me went off to sulk in a corner because it was too overwhelmed to function. 

Right now there are a couple of guys I'm interested in, but it doesn't look like either of them is going to make a move anytime soon. I was sitting there trying to figure out who I wanted to be with more. But maybe I don't need to be with either of them right now. Maybe it'd be a bad idea to be with either right now. 

I think I definitely need to spend some time figuring out who I am without being part of a pair. I mean, sure, I'm Mary's sister and Jake's friend and Joey's favorite upperclassman and Zach's partner in crime, but even if all of my friends and family suddenly disappeared, it's not like I'd cease to exist. There is a person in me that does not need others to be valid. Whoever the one for me is, he's not going to love me because of my connection to someone. He's going to love me for that independently genuine part. And if I don't have any clue what that part is, how can I expect him to?

The reason the song brought this on is it made me start thinking about how much I'd like to have someone who loved my flaws as much as my strengths like the narrator did for the person he was singing to. Then I realized I didn't really know what either of them were, besides stuff like I can't cook but I can sing. I know the kind of person I'd like to be, but I don't know who I am right now. 

I'm not saying that if either of these guys were to ask to be more than friends with me I'd say no for this reason alone. It's just something to think about in the meantime. 

P.S. My laptop is being extremely temperamental, but it's working more than it did a month ago. Which is good. 

Slump

I dropped NaNoWriMo.
I can't focus on anything.
I've been picking fights with everyone.
I can't stay awake to save my life.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Song of the Day:

Hey Blog

Day one went really well. Day two died. Completely. I have hit the wall. That's all there is to it.
Know what's sad? The fact that my teachers, my doctor, and even my ex-stepdad who I don't talk to anymore can see what my mother refuses to.
I'm gonna start getting counseling at school.
I love my history teacher.

Song of the Day: Taylor Swift. Period. I can't stop listening to her. Specifically "I <3 ?" and "I'd Lie" and "Your Anything." The songs I discovered on YouTube and haven't been released as singles and overplayed. Because I do love Taylor Swift, I just hate every single she's put out now :P I especially love "I <3 ?" Go listen to it. And "Invisible." Here. Listen.

And I really like "Tied Together with a Smile" but I can't get through it without sobbing. 

NaNoWriMo Begins!

This is the first pre-scheduled post. I do like the fact that I can pre-schedule posts.

Today starts NaNoWriMo! My plan for today was to be up at midnight to write a page like I have the two years before, and to hit 5k by Wednesday.

In the meantime in my absence I leave you with this creepy, but good-intentioned, link.

Trick-or-Treat

Let me start this off by saying I hate Halloween, okay? I'm too easily scared to enjoy it.

Last year for the two weekends before Halloween I volunteered at a local haunted trail. The first two nights I was a creepy clown, but then I got bored of that and worked the gate. It was a really cool experience. I liked the groups of little kids that would scream and then immediately burst into giggles, and I also liked the grown men who would scream like little girls. I especially liked one group my first night. It was three little girls and their dad. The dad was whimpering and screaming, and the little girls (probably around five/six) were just giggling at everything. It was great.
The second night was not so great. See, the rule of a haunted attraction is the attraction doesn't touch you and you don't touch it. For some reason that night the people who went on the trail were really aggressive. I got hit twice, and a lot of other people got hurt. Of course, I only count one hit because the other was from a three year old and she was adorable. I went "boo" and she kicked me in the shin. Her mom picked her up and apologized to me. I laughed it off. The one I do count was a grown woman punching me in the stomach because I was following her. That was why I switched to the gate for the third night.
Moxi and I both worked the gate the last night we volunteered. It was much more fun, and also much more aggravating. The guy who played Jason was really late getting to his spot, and so we had to open late. And of course, when a crowd gets angry they take it out on the people they see, so we got yelled at a lot. For some reason, though. I was perfectly fine with socializing with the people in line while Moxi hung back and worked the walkie-talkie. It came naturally to me. It might have been that it was dark or that I felt in charge and there was nothing they could do about it or that Moxi had my back, but it was really awesome. I 'd love to be able to duplicate that.

Tonight my mom took my sisters for half the neighborhood and I took them for the other half. We paired up with our neighbors like we always do. About halfway through my half the youngest got whiny and so she went home with my neighbor and their youngest while Miss Jenn and I continued with the older two. We got to one of the last houses on our street. It was all dark inside, but they had their porch light on so the kids went up. They stood there for about a minute. The door slowly creaked open to reveal a man dressed in all black. He just stood there for a few seconds. The kids looked at each other, and our neighbor started backing away. Then the guy slowly closed the door and turned off the light. The kids freaked and ran back down the driveway yelling "We got ripped off!" It was hilarious.

But I still don't like Halloween.
Know what the only good thing about Halloween is? NaNoWriMo starts in a few minutes.

Song of the Day:

SNOW!!!

I just spent a good amount of time outside like this:

BECAUSE IT SNOWED!!!!

I love snow. So much. I don't think it'll ever stop being magical for me. It's so pretty and makes everything look so beautiful. 

~Bryar Memory Time~

I was at my friend Dave's house once last year. You'll hear more about Dave next week in one of my pre-scheduled posts. But I was there after one of Bryar's event things and Bryar went to take someone home. I can't remember who it was, and it really doesn't matter anyway. He came back and called me over. 

"Come outside with me," he said, standing in the doorway. His eyes were bright and he had that small smile that always accompanied a surprise for me. 

"Why?" I asked, curious but reluctant to get out of my comfy chair. 

"Just come!"

I put my shoes on and followed him outside, where the sky was orange. 

"Know what that means?" he asked. 

I shook my head. 

"It's going to snow."

I looked up at him with this huge-ass smile on my face, which he happily returned.

We went back inside when I started shivering. I curled back up on my egg chair (it's not technically mine, but no one's allowed to sit in it when I'm there. More about that later, too) and watched them play video games. Bryar sat next to me and jokingly stole Bun Bun from me. In return I stole his hat. He has a big head. I started nodding off an hour after we went outside and he took me home. And sure enough, it was snowing. 

Song of the Day: "Stay Beautiful" by Taylor Swift (still reminds me of him even with all that's happened)

Dave :D

Pre-Scheduled Post #2
Ever since I was little, all I've ever wanted was to have a big brother. I guess maybe it's because I technically have one, but I've never met him. I've had several guys fill that spot, but Dave's overall been my favorite and the one to fill the slot best.
I met Dave for the first time at homecoming freshman year, but at the time he was mainly just my drum major's boyfriend. I got a picture of them, he got a picture of her and I, and that was the extent of our interaction.
I met him for the second time at Bryar's graduation party nine months later. He didn't remember me, but I remembered him ^-^ I was the youngest there, and there were only two other girls. I was being kind of anti-social to start because I was intimidated by everyone. I sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water but didn't go in any further.

Dragon Tears

I wrote this a little over a year ago, and I mentioned it to Jake last night so I figured I'd post it here.

I recently purchased a bag of so-called "accent gems," just because of the memories they brought back. They're these little round blue gems. I've always called them dragons' tears. I found one once in my friend's backyard, and her older sister told me that if someone finds a dragon's tear, that meant there was a dragon who was admiring that person from where they lived, and was crying because they couldn't be together. She told me a story which I have unfortunately forgotten bits and pieces of, so I'm embellishing it a little bit. But it's basically the same story. 

The dragons once lived among us humans. They would watch over the children of the world like guardian angels and play with them. They would help the women with their cooking and with finding edible plants. Then the men discovered how nice dragon flesh tasted. The women and children pleaded with the men not to kil the dragons, but the hunters would not be reasoned with. The dragons immediately fled the area, planning to stay away until the men could be persuaded to not eat them. 
The dragons did not come out from hiding very often, and so over time, people began believing that they were merely a myth. Those who did still believe had become convinced by their ancestors that dragons were horrible creatures to be slaughtered and eaten. So the dragons left the earth to live in another realm. Many of them were homesick, so the king of the dragons ordered his spellcasters to create a pool that the dragons could look through to watch over the humans. Sometimes, the male dragons, especially the young ones, will see a girl that they admire, and often fall in love with. When a dragon falls in love with a human, it's not like when humans fall in love. Dragons fall in love selflessly. All they want is for the human to be safe and happy. The dragon will become glued to the pool like so many of our kind become glued to the tv screen and begin to cry. Dragons do not cry as we do. Their tears are rarely existent, and when they are, they become solid the second they drip off of the dragon's scales. Sometimes, if a tear falls just right, it slips through the pool and is found by the one whom the dragon admires.
The story was once told to a woman a long time ago. There was a dragon who was so in love with this woman and such an adept spellcaster that he was able to visit her in her dreams and he told her the history of the dragons. He told her that if enough people knew the true story, and not what the hunters passed along, that the king might allow the dragons to once again roam the earth, and they could be together. The woman spread the story, but unfortunately she died before the dragons could be returned to earth. Still to this day, the real history of the dragons is not well known enough for them to feel safe returning. Those of us who believe try to pass this story along as much as we can, in hopes that one day, at least our children's 

children will play with the dragons again.

I believe. I found the dragon's tear from so long ago, and compared it to the ones I bought. If I am not mistaken, they are made of completely different substances. In fact, the old dragon's tear doesn't seem to be made of the same substance as anything I have... 

It's nice to think that there's a dragon in love with me.

To clarify: I do whole-heartedly believe in dragons. I may not believe this story in particular anymore, and I no longer believe that dragons' tears are ever like the accent gems, but I believe dragons exist. Also, the story is what was told to me, and I did buy accent gems the day I wrote this, but the original dragon's tear is long gone. 

Too Many Topics to Fit in the Title

So many things to talk about tonight :P

1. A loss- I use mechanical pencils because the noises made by electronic pencil sharpeners scare the bejeezus out of me. I had one single purple mechanical pencil which was my favorite because purple's my favorite color and it was the only one I had. I purposely left it behind in Telecom yesterday. There are these two guys in that class, I don't know their names. But they're the class clowns. Our teacher went into the back room to help one of the groups with editing their piece for the show, and the two guys started role playing. First they were two gay kings going off on quests, slaying trolls and dragons, and riding horses. Then they were robots. Then they were monkeys. Then they were snipers. It was really quite hilarious. Until all of a sudden the one guy's crotch was in my face. I'm not even sure how it happened. I just know that I was talking to Danny and I turned around and there it was, not even a foot away from my nose. It... it freaked me out. Then he took my pencil and... grr. He put it back on my desk and I left it there. It made me sad :(
2. An accomplishment- My mom works about a five minute walk away from where we live, but I've never walked there on my own before. There's just something about walking outside by myself that causes my social anxiety to go "AW HELL NO!" Yesterday morning, though, I was running late and forgot to grab my house key, so I had to choose between sitting outside by myself for two hours or walking up to Rite Aid to get my mom's key. I figured ten minutes was better than two hours so I hid my backpack and started off for Rite Aid. I made it there with little anxiety and no panic attack. Mom bought me ice cream as a reward and gave me the key. I walked back with significantly less anxiety and still no panic attack. I was so proud of myself ^-^
3. A birthday present- My birthday was eight months ago, and I finally got my present from Mary ^-^ It had a letter, a pack of letters for when I'm feeling down, a DS, three DS games, a hair tie, some Canadian silly bands, a calculator, some tea, a pencil (my new favorite), a mixed CD, and some pictures. I love her so much. I love everything in that box so much. I have barely put the DS down lol. So far I've played Animal Crossing and Nintendogs. I'll play Harvest Moon when I can stop playing Nintendogs :P I love it so much. And the letters... I don't want to have to open them, but I can already tell that they'll make things better. 
4. A homecoming- It's homecoming week at my school and I absolutely cannot wait. Not for the dance which I will NOT be attending, but for the football game. The homecoming football game's always the most fun. There's more people and everyone's pumped up. Also, a lot of alumni come back. I can't wait to see them all. Next post will probably be about homecoming last year. But the main thing I'm looking forward to is Nagurney coming back! Nagurns was my Latin teacher freshman year and my French teacher sophomore year. Now she teaches at a private school. I fully supported that decision because the kids there are better and it's a better pay and she has a baby to take care of, but damn it I miss her! She's the best teacher I ever had. She was more of a second mom most times. I think I could write a whole blog post about how much I love her :D I think I might do that. 
5. A challenge- NaNoWriMo starts in five days and two hours and boy am I excited!!! For those of you who don't know what it is, you can click here. What these means for you guys: Over the next few days I'll be writing prescheduled blog posts to post periodically through NaNo. I'll also check in every few days, sometimes to post how I'm doing, sometimes to post a particular part of my novel that I happen to like, sometimes because something significant happened. So I'll still be here, just not as often. Wish me luck on NaNo!

Song of the Day: "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners

Kitten!

So my mom promised me we wouldn't get anymore cats unless she found a calico she liked. Last week there was a calico at Pet Kare, but when she went back for it on Tuesday it was gone. Tonight we were bored so we went up to Pet Kare to look at animals, and when we walked in one of the managers came up to us and said "I have a cat for you." He led us to the back where he was hiding two calico kittens for us ^-^ We came home with this beauty:

She's so cute. We named her Leia. She's also very shy. Mom had to sign the papers and so she handed her to me. She started to jump out of her arms before I was able to take her, so Mom grabbed her best she could. Leia didn't like that, and she bit her :P I took her from Mom and she burrowed into my arm and started growling. It was really cute. We haven't heard her meow yet, but we've heard lots of growling. She keeps hiding in our arms ^-^ She's so adorable. 

Song of the Day: "Moondance" by Van Morrison

Teachers

I saw a fight today. I was going from the second floor to the basement and at the first floor landing there was a crowd. I peeked over it to see what was going on and saw a fight between two girls on the in-between-first-floor-and-basement landing. I turned around, went out the doors, and found Mr. Freccia, my AP GoPo teacher from last year and one of my all-time favorite teachers. I told him what was happening and went to another staircase to get downstairs.

It got me thinking about some of my favorite teachers through the years. Best teacher ever has to be Nagurney, my Latin/French teacher for freshman and sophomore year. She's teaching at a private school now, but we still talk over Facebook. She's like a second mom to me. I used to spend every Wednesday afternoon in her room doing homework and ranting. I started and ended every school day by visiting her. She saw when I was upset right away and knew how to make me smile. I love her <3 I miss having her at my school, but she gets paid better at her new school and she's got a baby to take care of now!

My favorite teacher right now is my AP Bio teacher, Mr. McDowell. I spend a lot of time in his room now :P He's got a snake and a turtle and some lizards, and he's also got two gerbils that I bred ^-^ He's a goofball. I had him for Bio last year, AP Bio this year, and I'll take AP Enviro next year so I can have him again. He's super lenient on grading with me... He teases me a lot.

In middle school my band/chorus teacher was amazing. Her name was Mrs. Stiltz and she was actually the wife of my elementary school band teacher. I was her pride and joy ^-^ Seventh grade was a bad year for me, and I spent a lot of time in her office crying to her about something or other. She got me to be more outgoing and got me to realize that I don't have a horrible voice. Before having her, having to sing a solo would bring me to tears, but now I could do it. I might be a little shaky and a little nervous, but I could do it. And she pushed me to learn more scales on the clarinet and gave me a head start for high school. She and her husband and my first band teacher made me love the clarinet.

My first band teacher was Mr. Avara. I have him on Facebook, too. He saw potential in me from the very first day. I had a lot of bad luck the first year I played clarinet, and they would often fall apart in my hands. Literally. I went through all of the district-owned clarinets and finally he let me borrow his personal one (thank goodness nothing happened to that one!) over the summer so I could keep practicing, and that's when the curse broke.

LOOK MOM NO PANTS

So today I got angry. Well I guess frustrated is a better word. I was trying to put together a filter for the fish tank and it took a while. Then when I finally got it together, I discovered my tank's too shallow for it.

Needless to say, I kinda went ajfkdjfdsjkf. So I jumped in the shower because it keeps me from totally spazzing out. Keep in mind I was home alone at this time. When I got out of the shower I discovered that my lovely kitten decided to pee on my pants (he usually uses the litterbox but this is his way of protesting when it gets too full). I honestly did not feel like going all the way back to my room and getting a new pair of pants, so I just went without. I was wearing my knee socks, though, and underwear, so only my thighs weren't covered. I went downstairs and made my lunch and ate it and then proceeded to blare music and dance around the house. It was... fun. A complete blast. It's definitely something I'm going to try again sometime in the future. Only while home alone lol :P

Some of the songs I danced to:

• "Electric Avenue" by Eddie Grant
• "Butterfly" by Jason Mraz ("I need to see you pull your knee socks up")
• "Don't Stop" by Patrick and Eugene
• "You & Me & The Bottle Makes Three" by Straight No Chaser (no clue who it's originally by)
• "Chilly Down" by David Bowie
• "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" by Fall Out Boy
• "20 Dollar Nose Bleed" by Fall Out Boy
• "No Stopping Us" by Jason Mraz

Yes, I was dancing long enough for all of those songs to play :D

P.S. I highly recommend all of those songs. 

Fear and Avoidance

So today I went to the doctor about the whole sick thing and he was looking at my charts and noticed that I've been steadily losing weight for the past year. He ordered some blood tests and says that if nothing shows up he wants to put me on an anti-depressant. And I am scared.

First of all, needles? No. No! NO! I do not like them Sam-I-Am. I do not like the thought of an object entering my body and either putting chemicals in or taking vital fluids out. No! *squirms* My mom makes fun of me for being a bigger baby about needles than my sisters, but they freak me out!!! I'll probably end up bringing my iPod and blasting Jason Mraz or Lostprophets or something just to keep myself calm.

Second of all, I don't want to go on antidepressants. I mean, I admit they might be a good idea. Look at me. Dude, there's no denying I'm depressed. But the side effects... I dunno. They scare me. What if I'm one of the ones that have "increased suicidal thoughts or actions"? I don't want to be that girl again.

On another topic, I think Mackay's avoiding me. It could just be my imagination but he's always avoiding my Facebook messages and he's not really talking to me in person either. It sucks. It reminds me of what Bryar would do. Grr. I want him to be my friend again. I want to talk to him about tomorrow.

Song of the Day: "A Favor House Atlantic" by Coheed and Cambria ("the loss of friends you didn't have")

Blog Post Tonight Got Dragged, Kicking and Screaming

I don't even know what to write today. Nothing good comes to mind. I feel like whining, but I don't want to do that to those of you who are reading this. And honestly I don't exactly really feel like blogging today. I am sick and my brain is fuzzy and I am angry with my family at the moment. But Jake wants me to blog, so blog I must. I haven't posted since like Thursday anyway.

*rolls around aimlessly* 

Story time? You want a story? I'll give you a story. 

Or will I?

Nope. Never mind. 

I went through my documents for about a half hour after writing that sentence trying to find a short story to put here. Instead, I found several Facebook conversations I had copied and pasted into Word, along with several documents merely consisting of my thoughts on one person or another. And most of them, surprise, surprise, revolve around Bryar. And so, since I have no clue what to write about tonight, because I have the worst kind of writer's block tonight (I swear, if this happens in November I'm going to hurt someone), I decided I'd talk about that. 

I've noticed that I write a lot of things that are kind of like unsent letters when I'm upset with someone. For example: 

I don’t miss you. I miss what we were. I miss the inside jokes, the quiet reassurances, the peace of knowing that there was another person on this earth who understood me. I miss the teasing and the insults, the hugs and the pokes. I miss you scaring me by tipping my desk back and nearly making me fall. I miss you ignoring the fact that I just got done sobbing and making me laugh until I’m crying again. I miss the days when you were dark and brooding and mysterious and then opened up to me and let me understand you even more. I miss the light in your eyes when you were being playful and mischievous. I miss the millions of nicknames you had for me. I miss listening to music with you while you tapped out the rhythm of the drums on my knees. I miss the careless way you shrugged off my compliments, sometimes vehemently denying them but always beaming. I miss meeting your eyes across the cafeteria and exchanging a smile that got me through lunch. I miss feeling and acting like a child around you. I miss ranting to you. I even almost miss the dismissive statements you gave when I got ridiculous. I miss feeling special when you shared your secrets with me. I miss you printing out extra articles for health because you knew I’d forget. I miss you taking the papers I had done well on and writing “suck up” across the top. I miss sitting on the floor of the library with you, not having to talk, just knowing the other’s there. I miss having you as a friend, a brother.

I think the reason I do this is partially because of the social anxiety, because I'm so scared to say this type of thing to someone in real life. But it's also because I know if I don't write stuff down, I'll keep thinking it over and over and it won't go away. Which is partially why I blog. And I think the reason so much of it was about Bryar is because he is the most confusing, complex, infuriating, frustrating person I've ever had the misfortune of getting to know. And I don't think I ever really knew him, to be perfectly honest with you. Yeah, I called him my best friend, and I knew stuff about him he said he didn't tell other people, and he knew me better than anyone else, but I didn't really know him. And to be honest, I wish he hadn't known me so well. There's nothing quite like the punch-in-the-stomach feeling of the person who really knows you telling you they can't stand you. And I guess that's why I don't trust people like I did in the days before him. I keep more secrets now. Even Mary and Jake don't know everything about me. There are still secrets I'm keeping from them. I'm just scared. But with everything Bryar is and was, he still appeals to me as a character. I still want to capture him and put him in a story and make my readers love and hate him the way I do. I think he made me feel more extremes in all emotions than anyone else ever has, except maybe Clay. If I wrote a story with a character like Bryar, with the depth and well-roundedness he has in real-life, then maybe I could really feel proud of something.

Song of the Day: "Hum Hallelujah" by Fall Out Boy ("I just wanna be a part of this" "I could write it better than you ever felt it" "I thought I loved you but it was just how you looked in the light" "And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster" etc.)