So I totally completely freaked out last night. I ended up getting two hours of sleep the night before. Ron came over, and we did a lot of cuddling on the couch while watching television. I kept feeling like I had to get away, and I couldn't figure out why. After we took him home (he doesn't have a car), I started thinking maybe we weren't right. Maybe the fight or flight response was my subconscious telling me to quit while I was ahead. And then I started thinking about RTT and the conversation we'd had. I started to think about how much I liked him. In the back of my mind I was still going "he was drunk he was drunk he was drunk," but I couldn't stop thinking about how he makes me feel. I actually talked to him that night. He didn't remember anything, and he said not to pay any attention to his drunken rants. I knew it the whole time, but it was still a blow to hear him say it. I still felt it was unfair to Ron to keep dating him when I had feelings for RTT (whoa, there, almost typed his real name). Mary agreed whole-heartedly. Jake got angry. I flipped out on him and then cried for hours before I eventually fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and was still feeling pretty lousy. I went to the library like always, and part of me was hoping he wouldn't come. He did, but Joey came at the same time, and I couldn't tell who caused the sudden surge of happiness. And then chemistry class... I sat there, thinking about yesterday. (What else would I think about, chemistry? Pfft, no, the way that man teaches stresses me out. I'd rather doodle and contemplate life and then read the textbook when I get home.) And I came up with some theories.
That flight response? Jason. Jason and I cuddled on that couch all the time. There have been several times since August when I couldn't move because I was so scared that something would happen because of Jason. I once spent ten minutes outside my bedroom door, afraid to open it. I couldn't remember closing it, and I was terrified I'd open it to find him sitting on my bed. I knew it was totally irrational, but I couldn't get over it. It would make sense that being in a similar situation to the one I was in before things got out of control would scare me.
I started thinking back to the beginning of the relationships I've had. Every single one of them started with doubt that I could be fully committed while liking someone else as well. The answer has (almost) always been yes. So there's no reason to let the fact that I like RTT ruin something good.
And it is good. It is so good. He walked me to half of my classes today, and he got along with the library crew, and he came over again today. I didn't get scared once. We had fun. He made me laugh, and he made me feel special. I really, really like this guy. I've been depressed for... oh, I don't even want to try to think back to the beginning of this episode. It's been a long time. But I'm out of it now. I am happy. Really, really happy. I've been nice to my sisters all day and everything (we'll see how long that lasts lol). I can't stop smiling and laughing and dancing in my seat. I feel... triumphant.
Today's a good day :)
Song of the Day: "Live High" by Jason Mraz (stuck in my head)
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