Monday, October 31, 2011


Let me start this off by saying I hate Halloween, okay? I'm too easily scared to enjoy it.

Last year for the two weekends before Halloween I volunteered at a local haunted trail. The first two nights I was a creepy clown, but then I got bored of that and worked the gate. It was a really cool experience. I liked the groups of little kids that would scream and then immediately burst into giggles, and I also liked the grown men who would scream like little girls. I especially liked one group my first night. It was three little girls and their dad. The dad was whimpering and screaming, and the little girls (probably around five/six) were just giggling at everything. It was great.
The second night was not so great. See, the rule of a haunted attraction is the attraction doesn't touch you and you don't touch it. For some reason that night the people who went on the trail were really aggressive. I got hit twice, and a lot of other people got hurt. Of course, I only count one hit because the other was from a three year old and she was adorable. I went "boo" and she kicked me in the shin. Her mom picked her up and apologized to me. I laughed it off. The one I do count was a grown woman punching me in the stomach because I was following her. That was why I switched to the gate for the third night.
Moxi and I both worked the gate the last night we volunteered. It was much more fun, and also much more aggravating. The guy who played Jason was really late getting to his spot, and so we had to open late. And of course, when a crowd gets angry they take it out on the people they see, so we got yelled at a lot. For some reason, though. I was perfectly fine with socializing with the people in line while Moxi hung back and worked the walkie-talkie. It came naturally to me. It might have been that it was dark or that I felt in charge and there was nothing they could do about it or that Moxi had my back, but it was really awesome. I 'd love to be able to duplicate that.

Tonight my mom took my sisters for half the neighborhood and I took them for the other half. We paired up with our neighbors like we always do. About halfway through my half the youngest got whiny and so she went home with my neighbor and their youngest while Miss Jenn and I continued with the older two. We got to one of the last houses on our street. It was all dark inside, but they had their porch light on so the kids went up. They stood there for about a minute. The door slowly creaked open to reveal a man dressed in all black. He just stood there for a few seconds. The kids looked at each other, and our neighbor started backing away. Then the guy slowly closed the door and turned off the light. The kids freaked and ran back down the driveway yelling "We got ripped off!" It was hilarious.

But I still don't like Halloween.
Know what the only good thing about Halloween is? NaNoWriMo starts in a few minutes.

Song of the Day:

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I just spent a good amount of time outside like this:


I love snow. So much. I don't think it'll ever stop being magical for me. It's so pretty and makes everything look so beautiful. 

~Bryar Memory Time~
I was at my friend Dave's house once last year. You'll hear more about Dave next week in one of my pre-scheduled posts. But I was there after one of Bryar's event things and Bryar went to take someone home. I can't remember who it was, and it really doesn't matter anyway. He came back and called me over. 
"Come outside with me," he said, standing in the doorway. His eyes were bright and he had that small smile that always accompanied a surprise for me. 
"Why?" I asked, curious but reluctant to get out of my comfy chair. 
"Just come!"
I put my shoes on and followed him outside, where the sky was orange. 
"Know what that means?" he asked. 
I shook my head. 
"It's going to snow."
I looked up at him with this huge-ass smile on my face, which he happily returned.
We went back inside when I started shivering. I curled back up on my egg chair (it's not technically mine, but no one's allowed to sit in it when I'm there. More about that later, too) and watched them play video games. Bryar sat next to me and jokingly stole Bun Bun from me. In return I stole his hat. He has a big head. I started nodding off an hour after we went outside and he took me home. And sure enough, it was snowing. 

Song of the Day: "Stay Beautiful" by Taylor Swift (still reminds me of him even with all that's happened)

Dave :D

Pre-Scheduled Post #2
Ever since I was little, all I've ever wanted was to have a big brother. I guess maybe it's because I technically have one, but I've never met him. I've had several guys fill that spot, but Dave's overall been my favorite and the one to fill the slot best.
I met Dave for the first time at homecoming freshman year, but at the time he was mainly just my drum major's boyfriend. I got a picture of them, he got a picture of her and I, and that was the extent of our interaction.
I met him for the second time at Bryar's graduation party nine months later. He didn't remember me, but I remembered him ^-^ I was the youngest there, and there were only two other girls. I was being kind of anti-social to start because I was intimidated by everyone. I sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water but didn't go in any further.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Dragon Tears

I wrote this a little over a year ago, and I mentioned it to Jake last night so I figured I'd post it here.

I recently purchased a bag of so-called "accent gems," just because of the memories they brought back. They're these little round blue gems. I've always called them dragons' tears. I found one once in my friend's backyard, and her older sister told me that if someone finds a dragon's tear, that meant there was a dragon who was admiring that person from where they lived, and was crying because they couldn't be together. She told me a story which I have unfortunately forgotten bits and pieces of, so I'm embellishing it a little bit. But it's basically the same story. 

The dragons once lived among us humans. They would watch over the children of the world like guardian angels and play with them. They would help the women with their cooking and with finding edible plants. Then the men discovered how nice dragon flesh tasted. The women and children pleaded with the men not to kil the dragons, but the hunters would not be reasoned with. The dragons immediately fled the area, planning to stay away until the men could be persuaded to not eat them. 
The dragons did not come out from hiding very often, and so over time, people began believing that they were merely a myth. Those who did still believe had become convinced by their ancestors that dragons were horrible creatures to be slaughtered and eaten. So the dragons left the earth to live in another realm. Many of them were homesick, so the king of the dragons ordered his spellcasters to create a pool that the dragons could look through to watch over the humans. Sometimes, the male dragons, especially the young ones, will see a girl that they admire, and often fall in love with. When a dragon falls in love with a human, it's not like when humans fall in love. Dragons fall in love selflessly. All they want is for the human to be safe and happy. The dragon will become glued to the pool like so many of our kind become glued to the tv screen and begin to cry. Dragons do not cry as we do. Their tears are rarely existent, and when they are, they become solid the second they drip off of the dragon's scales. Sometimes, if a tear falls just right, it slips through the pool and is found by the one whom the dragon admires.
The story was once told to a woman a long time ago. There was a dragon who was so in love with this woman and such an adept spellcaster that he was able to visit her in her dreams and he told her the history of the dragons. He told her that if enough people knew the true story, and not what the hunters passed along, that the king might allow the dragons to once again roam the earth, and they could be together. The woman spread the story, but unfortunately she died before the dragons could be returned to earth. Still to this day, the real history of the dragons is not well known enough for them to feel safe returning. Those of us who believe try to pass this story along as much as we can, in hopes that one day, at least our children's 
children will play with the dragons again.
I believe. I found the dragon's tear from so long ago, and compared it to the ones I bought. If I am not mistaken, they are made of completely different substances. In fact, the old dragon's tear doesn't seem to be made of the same substance as anything I have... 
It's nice to think that there's a dragon in love with me.

To clarify: I do whole-heartedly believe in dragons. I may not believe this story in particular anymore, and I no longer believe that dragons' tears are ever like the accent gems, but I believe dragons exist. Also, the story is what was told to me, and I did buy accent gems the day I wrote this, but the original dragon's tear is long gone. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Too Many Topics to Fit in the Title

So many things to talk about tonight :P

  1. A loss- I use mechanical pencils because the noises made by electronic pencil sharpeners scare the bejeezus out of me. I had one single purple mechanical pencil which was my favorite because purple's my favorite color and it was the only one I had. I purposely left it behind in Telecom yesterday. There are these two guys in that class, I don't know their names. But they're the class clowns. Our teacher went into the back room to help one of the groups with editing their piece for the show, and the two guys started role playing. First they were two gay kings going off on quests, slaying trolls and dragons, and riding horses. Then they were robots. Then they were monkeys. Then they were snipers. It was really quite hilarious. Until all of a sudden the one guy's crotch was in my face. I'm not even sure how it happened. I just know that I was talking to Danny and I turned around and there it was, not even a foot away from my nose. It... it freaked me out. Then he took my pencil and... grr. He put it back on my desk and I left it there. It made me sad :(
  2. An accomplishment- My mom works about a five minute walk away from where we live, but I've never walked there on my own before. There's just something about walking outside by myself that causes my social anxiety to go "AW HELL NO!" Yesterday morning, though, I was running late and forgot to grab my house key, so I had to choose between sitting outside by myself for two hours or walking up to Rite Aid to get my mom's key. I figured ten minutes was better than two hours so I hid my backpack and started off for Rite Aid. I made it there with little anxiety and no panic attack. Mom bought me ice cream as a reward and gave me the key. I walked back with significantly less anxiety and still no panic attack. I was so proud of myself ^-^
  3. A birthday present- My birthday was eight months ago, and I finally got my present from Mary ^-^ It had a letter, a pack of letters for when I'm feeling down, a DS, three DS games, a hair tie, some Canadian silly bands, a calculator, some tea, a pencil (my new favorite), a mixed CD, and some pictures. I love her so much. I love everything in that box so much. I have barely put the DS down lol. So far I've played Animal Crossing and Nintendogs. I'll play Harvest Moon when I can stop playing Nintendogs :P I love it so much. And the letters... I don't want to have to open them, but I can already tell that they'll make things better. 
  4. A homecoming- It's homecoming week at my school and I absolutely cannot wait. Not for the dance which I will NOT be attending, but for the football game. The homecoming football game's always the most fun. There's more people and everyone's pumped up. Also, a lot of alumni come back. I can't wait to see them all. Next post will probably be about homecoming last year. But the main thing I'm looking forward to is Nagurney coming back! Nagurns was my Latin teacher freshman year and my French teacher sophomore year. Now she teaches at a private school. I fully supported that decision because the kids there are better and it's a better pay and she has a baby to take care of, but damn it I miss her! She's the best teacher I ever had. She was more of a second mom most times. I think I could write a whole blog post about how much I love her :D I think I might do that. 
  5. A challenge- NaNoWriMo starts in five days and two hours and boy am I excited!!! For those of you who don't know what it is, you can click here. What these means for you guys: Over the next few days I'll be writing prescheduled blog posts to post periodically through NaNo. I'll also check in every few days, sometimes to post how I'm doing, sometimes to post a particular part of my novel that I happen to like, sometimes because something significant happened. So I'll still be here, just not as often. Wish me luck on NaNo!

Song of the Day: "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners

Friday, October 21, 2011


So my mom promised me we wouldn't get anymore cats unless she found a calico she liked. Last week there was a calico at Pet Kare, but when she went back for it on Tuesday it was gone. Tonight we were bored so we went up to Pet Kare to look at animals, and when we walked in one of the managers came up to us and said "I have a cat for you." He led us to the back where he was hiding two calico kittens for us ^-^ We came home with this beauty:
She's so cute. We named her Leia. She's also very shy. Mom had to sign the papers and so she handed her to me. She started to jump out of her arms before I was able to take her, so Mom grabbed her best she could. Leia didn't like that, and she bit her :P I took her from Mom and she burrowed into my arm and started growling. It was really cute. We haven't heard her meow yet, but we've heard lots of growling. She keeps hiding in our arms ^-^ She's so adorable. 

Song of the Day: "Moondance" by Van Morrison

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I saw a fight today. I was going from the second floor to the basement and at the first floor landing there was a crowd. I peeked over it to see what was going on and saw a fight between two girls on the in-between-first-floor-and-basement landing. I turned around, went out the doors, and found Mr. Freccia, my AP GoPo teacher from last year and one of my all-time favorite teachers. I told him what was happening and went to another staircase to get downstairs.

It got me thinking about some of my favorite teachers through the years. Best teacher ever has to be Nagurney, my Latin/French teacher for freshman and sophomore year. She's teaching at a private school now, but we still talk over Facebook. She's like a second mom to me. I used to spend every Wednesday afternoon in her room doing homework and ranting. I started and ended every school day by visiting her. She saw when I was upset right away and knew how to make me smile. I love her <3 I miss having her at my school, but she gets paid better at her new school and she's got a baby to take care of now!

My favorite teacher right now is my AP Bio teacher, Mr. McDowell. I spend a lot of time in his room now :P He's got a snake and a turtle and some lizards, and he's also got two gerbils that I bred ^-^ He's a goofball. I had him for Bio last year, AP Bio this year, and I'll take AP Enviro next year so I can have him again. He's super lenient on grading with me... He teases me a lot.

In middle school my band/chorus teacher was amazing. Her name was Mrs. Stiltz and she was actually the wife of my elementary school band teacher. I was her pride and joy ^-^ Seventh grade was a bad year for me, and I spent a lot of time in her office crying to her about something or other. She got me to be more outgoing and got me to realize that I don't have a horrible voice. Before having her, having to sing a solo would bring me to tears, but now I could do it. I might be a little shaky and a little nervous, but I could do it. And she pushed me to learn more scales on the clarinet and gave me a head start for high school. She and her husband and my first band teacher made me love the clarinet.

My first band teacher was Mr. Avara. I have him on Facebook, too. He saw potential in me from the very first day. I had a lot of bad luck the first year I played clarinet, and they would often fall apart in my hands. Literally. I went through all of the district-owned clarinets and finally he let me borrow his personal one (thank goodness nothing happened to that one!) over the summer so I could keep practicing, and that's when the curse broke.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


So today I got angry. Well I guess frustrated is a better word. I was trying to put together a filter for the fish tank and it took a while. Then when I finally got it together, I discovered my tank's too shallow for it.

Needless to say, I kinda went ajfkdjfdsjkf. So I jumped in the shower because it keeps me from totally spazzing out. Keep in mind I was home alone at this time. When I got out of the shower I discovered that my lovely kitten decided to pee on my pants (he usually uses the litterbox but this is his way of protesting when it gets too full). I honestly did not feel like going all the way back to my room and getting a new pair of pants, so I just went without. I was wearing my knee socks, though, and underwear, so only my thighs weren't covered. I went downstairs and made my lunch and ate it and then proceeded to blare music and dance around the house. It was... fun. A complete blast. It's definitely something I'm going to try again sometime in the future. Only while home alone lol :P

Some of the songs I danced to:

  • "Electric Avenue" by Eddie Grant
  • "Butterfly" by Jason Mraz ("I need to see you pull your knee socks up")
  • "Don't Stop" by Patrick and Eugene
  • "You & Me & The Bottle Makes Three" by Straight No Chaser (no clue who it's originally by)
  • "Chilly Down" by David Bowie
  • "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" by Fall Out Boy
  • "20 Dollar Nose Bleed" by Fall Out Boy
  • "No Stopping Us" by Jason Mraz
Yes, I was dancing long enough for all of those songs to play :D

P.S. I highly recommend all of those songs. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fear and Avoidance

So today I went to the doctor about the whole sick thing and he was looking at my charts and noticed that I've been steadily losing weight for the past year. He ordered some blood tests and says that if nothing shows up he wants to put me on an anti-depressant. And I am scared.

First of all, needles? No. No! NO! I do not like them Sam-I-Am. I do not like the thought of an object entering my body and either putting chemicals in or taking vital fluids out. No! *squirms* My mom makes fun of me for being a bigger baby about needles than my sisters, but they freak me out!!! I'll probably end up bringing my iPod and blasting Jason Mraz or Lostprophets or something just to keep myself calm.

Second of all, I don't want to go on antidepressants. I mean, I admit they might be a good idea. Look at me. Dude, there's no denying I'm depressed. But the side effects... I dunno. They scare me. What if I'm one of the ones that have "increased suicidal thoughts or actions"? I don't want to be that girl again.

On another topic, I think Mackay's avoiding me. It could just be my imagination but he's always avoiding my Facebook messages and he's not really talking to me in person either. It sucks. It reminds me of what Bryar would do. Grr. I want him to be my friend again. I want to talk to him about tomorrow.

Song of the Day: "A Favor House Atlantic" by Coheed and Cambria ("the loss of friends you didn't have")

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Blog Post Tonight Got Dragged, Kicking and Screaming

I don't even know what to write today. Nothing good comes to mind. I feel like whining, but I don't want to do that to those of you who are reading this. And honestly I don't exactly really feel like blogging today. I am sick and my brain is fuzzy and I am angry with my family at the moment. But Jake wants me to blog, so blog I must. I haven't posted since like Thursday anyway.

*rolls around aimlessly* 

Story time? You want a story? I'll give you a story. 

Or will I?

Nope. Never mind. 

I went through my documents for about a half hour after writing that sentence trying to find a short story to put here. Instead, I found several Facebook conversations I had copied and pasted into Word, along with several documents merely consisting of my thoughts on one person or another. And most of them, surprise, surprise, revolve around Bryar. And so, since I have no clue what to write about tonight, because I have the worst kind of writer's block tonight (I swear, if this happens in November I'm going to hurt someone), I decided I'd talk about that. 
I've noticed that I write a lot of things that are kind of like unsent letters when I'm upset with someone. For example: 
I don’t miss you. I miss what we were. I miss the inside jokes, the quiet reassurances, the peace of knowing that there was another person on this earth who understood me. I miss the teasing and the insults, the hugs and the pokes. I miss you scaring me by tipping my desk back and nearly making me fall. I miss you ignoring the fact that I just got done sobbing and making me laugh until I’m crying again. I miss the days when you were dark and brooding and mysterious and then opened up to me and let me understand you even more. I miss the light in your eyes when you were being playful and mischievous. I miss the millions of nicknames you had for me. I miss listening to music with you while you tapped out the rhythm of the drums on my knees. I miss the careless way you shrugged off my compliments, sometimes vehemently denying them but always beaming. I miss meeting your eyes across the cafeteria and exchanging a smile that got me through lunch. I miss feeling and acting like a child around you. I miss ranting to you. I even almost miss the dismissive statements you gave when I got ridiculous. I miss feeling special when you shared your secrets with me. I miss you printing out extra articles for health because you knew I’d forget. I miss you taking the papers I had done well on and writing “suck up” across the top. I miss sitting on the floor of the library with you, not having to talk, just knowing the other’s there. I miss having you as a friend, a brother.
I think the reason I do this is partially because of the social anxiety, because I'm so scared to say this type of thing to someone in real life. But it's also because I know if I don't write stuff down, I'll keep thinking it over and over and it won't go away. Which is partially why I blog. And I think the reason so much of it was about Bryar is because he is the most confusing, complex, infuriating, frustrating person I've ever had the misfortune of getting to know. And I don't think I ever really knew him, to be perfectly honest with you. Yeah, I called him my best friend, and I knew stuff about him he said he didn't tell other people, and he knew me better than anyone else, but I didn't really know him. And to be honest, I wish he hadn't known me so well. There's nothing quite like the punch-in-the-stomach feeling of the person who really knows you telling you they can't stand you. And I guess that's why I don't trust people like I did in the days before him. I keep more secrets now. Even Mary and Jake don't know everything about me. There are still secrets I'm keeping from them. I'm just scared. But with everything Bryar is and was, he still appeals to me as a character. I still want to capture him and put him in a story and make my readers love and hate him the way I do. I think he made me feel more extremes in all emotions than anyone else ever has, except maybe Clay. If I wrote a story with a character like Bryar, with the depth and well-roundedness he has in real-life, then maybe I could really feel proud of something.

Song of the Day: "Hum Hallelujah" by Fall Out Boy ("I just wanna be a part of this" "I could write it better than you ever felt it" "I thought I loved you but it was just how you looked in the light" "And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster" etc.)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Best Day/Worst Day Part Two

So. Second best day. Honestly, it's more about the symbolism of what happened that day.

So Bryar was a senior my freshman year (along with most of my friends that year). I did not know what to expect. I had never been friends with someone who graduated high school. I had the idea in my head that they would graduate and disappear and abandon me :( On the last day for seniors, Bryar walked me out of school. He gave me a hug and rubbed his knuckles against my back like he always did (felt weird but good) and realized I was crying. He said "Don't worry, Turtles, I'll be back, probably when you least expect me."

The next day had my second-best memory. I don't think I can call it my second best day. It was rather average, honestly. But there were ten minutes that made everything great.
One thing I didn't know about seniors was that they still had stuff to do at school even after they had finished classes, specifically graduation practice. I went to the library like I did every morning, a little sad because it'd just be me, George, and Moxi. I passed my friend Dana in the hallway, and she decided she wanted to go, too, which definitely struck me as odd, but I shrugged it off. I had my back to the stairs and was talking to Dana when she started waving. I turned around and Bryar was walking up the stairs ^-^ I kind of shrieked and ran over to him and got a hug. He was only there for the ten minutes before the bell rang and I had to go to class, but those ten minutes were great. He gave me this huge bag of rubber bands (I play with rubber bands when I'm fighting off an anxiety attack) of all different colors and sizes. When the warning bell rang, he walked me to class and gave me a hug in front of his ex-girlfriend, which was a big deal. I like being claimed in front of people ^-^ I spent the rest of the day on high.
Honestly, it's pretty easy to look at that event and think it's no big deal. But really, it is a big deal. It's kind of like the Ludo concert. I thought he was leaving forever, but he didn't. Not then, at least. Later, yes. But it showed me that people leave, but sometimes they come back ^-^

Song of the Day: "Take Me" by Hawk Nelson

Best Day/Worst Day Part One

     "Best day of my life was January 9, 1997. I was eight years old, and my mom and I went to the zoo on a class trip. I liked the bears. She liked the monkeys. Best day ever. End of story."
                                                                  -Alaska, Looking for Alaska by John Green
So when I asked Jake what I should do for the blog tonight he suggested Best Day/Worst Day. I've already been over my best day on here (Ludo concert), so I'll start with worst day and then go to second best day and then call it a night.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

*throws temper tantrum*

You see this gorgeousness? This is the band Ludo. See the guy on the left? With the oh so beautiful locks? That's Tim Ferrell, their lead guitar. At the concert, we were all trying to get him to take his ponytail down. He finally did, and we swooned.

I was watching their most recent YouTube video. He appears in the bottom left corner. (P.S. Don't be like me and go "Hey, some of my favorite people in the world are drinking. I should too." Bad things will happen)
I'm going to be one hundred percent honest here and say that I cried. At first I did not recognize him. Then I choked. Then I cried out. And then I cried.


No one understands.

Song of the Day: "I'm Awesome (Clean Version)" by Spose

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


So today is National Coming Out Day... and I did not fully participate (I did a little bit, I'll come back to that). Why? Well, I have a couple of answers I'd like to give. I'm saving it for Asexual Awareness Week, or since I haven't quite figured out if I'm demisexual or straight ace yet it's not really anyone's business, or I forgot about it until about an hour and a half ago (the last one is 100% true). But while these are definitely factors, the real truth is that I'm a chicken. So yeah. I'll try again during Asexual Awareness Week? lol

But since it is National Coming Out Day, while I did not come out fully as I had hoped, I did come out to a friend of mine. I was talking about Faekitteh from AVEN with Danny and Mackay and showed them a screenshot of her with her ears and paws. Mackay asked "Is she gay?" and I responded, "She's asexual." Mackay knows about my asexuality (and does not approve), but Danny had never heard of it. So I explained what it was. He said "I can fix that" in the way he has :P I threatened to punch him in the face.
Tonight we had this conversation (we text each other in all caps because it's more fun that way):
Danny: I DIDN'T GATHER THAT. I GOT THAT YOUR FRIEND IS ASEXUAL, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU CAN PRODUCE CHILDREN FROM EGGS, LIKE A BIRDY. (I guess he doesn't know what asexuality in Biology is, either :P)

So I guess I did come out today, just not to everyone like I planned. But I did come out to Danny ^-^

Song of the Day: "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake

Monday, October 10, 2011


Tonight, band practice was... Okay it was crap. Total crap. Not because we sucked, but because Mr. Wittman was in a bad mood and so he was being stricter than usual. Of course we weren't really helping things.

Anyways, a few of us stayed after for a while talking to Miss Wittman, his daughter. She gives really motivational talks. I wish she was our band director. She just seems like more of a person than Mr. Wittman. She was telling us a bunch of stuff. It started out with just band things. She said her father was disappointed with the lack of caring. She said he loved us too much to quit on us. She said that the main reason he was so hard on us was because he's getting old and should retire soon and the thought of that scares him.

Then somehow she got on the topic of her ex-fiance. He broke up with her over text the day after proposing to her last fall. That one-ups my horror story :P She didn't eat for five weeks and was constantly throwing up because of how upset she was. She dropped down to eighty-two pounds. It got to the point where her students would bring her food and she would put it in her mouth, but spit it out when they weren't looking. And it really hit me hard. I'm so glad that it was dark out so no one could see how hard I was fighting back tears.

Because the way she was for those weeks? That's me. That's been me for over a year now, ever since a stupid comment during band camp last year. It was stupid, and it was from a guy who no longer means anything to me. And it probably wouldn't have affected most people. But I was so vulnerable, and I trusted him so much... I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. But it got under my skin. I stopped eating as much as I should. I ate maybe two meals a week from mid-August until about February. Then once Clay moved in, it was about a meal a day because he'd make me. Now I'm about five foot six and as of three weeks ago I weighed ninety-eight pounds. That's not as bad as Miss Wittman. Not nearly as bad. Because I didn't go completely without food for more than a week at a time, and she also weighed less and we're about the same height. But my BMI? 15.8. Anything under 18.5 is considered underweight. I think it was Jake that finally pointed out to me how bad I'd gotten. I'm trying to get in at least two meals a day now. It's hard, though. I guess my stomach's just so used to not having food in it that it has a hard time making room for new stuff.

I always looked at the anorexic girls in movies and books and tv shows and wondered "how could they do that to themselves?" I know better now. It really is one of those "once you start, it's hard to stop" things. I don't think I count as anorexic. I don't show any of the outward signs other than being a little too thin. And I do eat. I eat more now than I did last year at this time. But it's really hard. It used to be that the compliments I cherished most were about my writing or my clarinet playing or my drawings or my academics. But now? "You're so light." "You're so thin." Those are the words that stick with me. And they shouldn't. The fact that it's so important to me scares me. I wish I could forget that comment. "With how much you eat it's no wonder I can't carry you." It was just a joke, a light jab. But it stuck like a thorn in my side I just can't shake.

I friended Miss Wittman on Facebook and sent her a message telling her I enjoyed her talk tonight. I think I'll work up to asking her how to get back to normal.

Song of the day: "On Love, In Sadness" by Jason Mraz ("you can have your pick if your stomach is sick, whether you eat or not")

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Fishies, Ludo, and Why I'm Still Alive

We got fish today ^-^



I lieks fishies. 

So my favorite band ever, of all time, hands down, is Ludo. They are beyond words amazing. They have a HUGE variety of songs, and they're just all around great. I saw them in concert for the first time this past July. In fact, it was my first concert, and definitely the best one to start off with. The tickets were only $18 each (although for me and Jake they were free because they were paid for by my ex before he became my ex ^-^). They were actually at a bar instead of at a huge stadium or something, so it was really up-close and personal. In fact I was close enough to grab the Moog player's hand when he leaned forward (which caused me to squeal like a fangirl because I love him even more than I love the lead singer which is saying something). It was just an amazing concert. I got bored earlier and started going through the videos from that night, which is what started this topic ^-^ For my reaction to the concert the day after, click here.

Going through those videos made me start thinking about how great that night was, and how big a contrast it was to what had happened in the weeks before and after. July was just a really bad months. I had been going out with a guy named Clay for about five and a half months, and a week and a half before the concert he broke up with me. I actually didn't find out the real reason (my asexuality) until this past week. I knew the reason he gave me was crap from the start, though. I really depended on him a lot and trusted him way more than I should have, so the break-up sent me into a really bad depression. Then about a week after the concert, my beloved rabbit died. It was just a sucky month. But that night... that night was amazing. One of the best nights of my life. And I guess that's a big reason I have resolved to never ever commit suicide no matter how bad my depression gets. Because through all that horrible stuff, there was still that night. There will always be something like that to make me happy. There will always be silver linings. And there will always be someone to pick me up from off the ground, whether it's a friend like Jake or Mary, or a stranger like Tim Convy, or myself sometimes. It'll always get better, and there will always be a Ludo concert to live for ^-^

On the topic: Another reason I'll never commit suicide. I had a friend last year who had depression who I'd talk to over text. She'd ask how I was, and I'd answer honestly. Once we were done talking about whatever was up at the moment, I'd ask her how she was and she'd respond "Meh, doesn't matter." I asked her one time why she always said that. She responded something along the lines of "Because you're the one who matters because I think you've got a better shot than me." And she's not around anymore. So I guess she's one reason I'm gonna keep fighting- because she thought I could.

Song of the Day: "Rotten Town" by Ludo

Friday, October 7, 2011


This entry will make slightly more sense if you've seen this video: 

I love this poem beyond words. This is like "Sleep Paralysis" before I knew "Sleep Paralysis." I know one of his other poems, "When I Met Her," word-for-word by heart, and I'm working on this one. This poem can lift my spirits and calm me down from a panic attack if I catch it quick enough. But tonight, even this isn't doing anything. 

I do not feel connected. Have you ever looked at a creek or a stream and seen a rock in the middle? Not just like a pebble, but one that sticks out through the water. The water bangs against it and moves around it. It's inconvenienced by it, and probably irritated with it, but the rock just sits there taking hit after hit. Once the water's moved around the rock, it reconnects as soon as possible to grumble and snicker while the rock sits there, dumb, embedded into the soil and unable to move. Every now and then if the water hits it hard enough the rock will be freed from the soil and dragged along by the water. It usually doesn't last too long before it hits another divet in the river bed and is trapped once again. The water becomes grateful. It's someone else's problem now. 

That's how I feel tonight. 

(All right, so maybe the video didn't help this make sense. Maybe it's just that this poem's been on my mind lately and I wanted to tie it in to a blog post. So sue me.)

Talking on the Phone

I do enjoy talking on the phone. I much prefer it to texting or IMing when it comes to people I know really well. I don't do it very often anymore because everyone's like "texting's faster" and stuff. Honestly, as addicted as I am to texting, I hate it. You can't pick up someone's tone through text. And considering how horrible I am at picking up social cues in real life... >.< I had a friend in middle school who I would talk to every night for two hours, but now we aren't on speaking terms anymore. George and I talk on the phone sometimes, but it's usually just to coordinate meeting up somewhere or to clear up miscommunications because I really fail at reading his tone.

I do not like being home alone at night. I hear noises that usually aren't there and I think everyone's out to kill me. Normal paranoia. Tonight, however, I heard a noise that actually was there: a cat fight.
We have our outdoor cat, Seth. We had an outdoor cat named Tugger when I was younger. He started out being an indoor cat, but he got too fat to fit through the cat door to get to the litter box (we had to keep the door to that room closed because my sisters were really little and let's just say them going in there could get gross) and so he just peed and pooped wherever he felt like. About a week after he became an outdoor cat, he got into a fight with a groundhog and lost and died. So when I heard Seth in a fight, I kinda freaked. Jake called me to calm me down. It worked extremely well :P We talked for 52 minutes and 52 seconds exactly, about Seth and then about a lot of other things. It was really nice.

I wish I had more opportunities to talk on the phone with people. Just with people I really trust, because my social anxiety makes the phone a very scary thing. But I think texting and IMing and stuff is making us all less social. You know, the "bowling alone" theory. I think. Can't remember exactly. I like that I can communicate silently with people, but I also love actually talking. Maybe that it's less work, maybe it's that I like hearing other people's voices, maybe it's that you can get emotions and sarcasm across better. Either way, I kinda wish that we weren't as technologically advanced as we are. More on that topic on another day though. Don't get me started on e-readers.

Song of the day: "My Immortal" by Evanescense

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Oh, Heart, You Want to Continue Beating?

My mom posted one of those "HEY I'M GONNA JUMP OUT AT YOU AND MAKE YOU PEE YOUR PANTS" videos. It was a really good one, too. I shared it. Later, I had this conversation with my friend Neil:

Me: THANK YOU for liking the link instead of commenting with something like "I just peed myself" like EVERYONE ELSE DID leading me to delete their comment as soon as I could.
Neil: *comments on link*
*reads comment*
whoa, caps lock!
His comment: "Wow. Usually this kind of thing can be explained by lens flare or something, but this just can't be explained. I'm pretty convinced."

Reasons To Be Happy

1. Monday night at band practice, our drum majors pulled me and a couple other juniors and some sophomores aside. They wanted to let us know that they realized the section leaders in the band weren't really doing what they should. They told us that we were the real leaders of the band and that they recognized that we did know what we were doing. It was really really nice to be recognized like that.

2. Math is not my strongest subject. I'm currently in AP Calc but only because I somehow passed my Pre-Calc/Calc IGSCE class last year and my counselor would not let me take Honors Calc. I am struggling. He gives us tests like every other class and I fail most of them. But today, when he was handing back last class's tests, he said "This is what I like to see." I looked at the test: "112/120 A." I am now passing his class! Granted, it's with a 60%... But it's better than what I had two weeks ago (39%). Thank GOD for homeworks.

3. This conversation. It makes me feel important and loved.
Jake: are you there?
Me: Yes
Jake: Good. I had a bad sick dream.
Me: :( Tell me about it?
Jake: Everyone left. *deleted for privacy* And I failed you when you needed me
Me: I can't promise anything for them, but I don't think that scenario's probable. And I would never leave as long as you wanted me here.
Jake: No I mean you killed yourself because I didn't get my phone and you needed me
Me: I will not do that.
Jake: I know. But it was scary 
I just... it almost made me cry. To know that I am important enough that one of his nightmares would be me killing myself, to know that he knows how important he is to me without me having to really tell him... <3 Because I'm not good at telling people that they're important. I'm glad he knows.

Song of the day: "Uprising" by Muse

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I Will Hold You

So Jake has gotten me into this song, "Sleep Paralysis" by Tea Leaf Green
"I will hold you, hold you, hold you, hold you.
I will hold you, hold you, hold you, hold you.
And let it be known:
You're never alone."
I love it. I have it on infinite repeat. It just gives me the image of a perfect night. Lying in bed with a guy I love, saving each other from the night... The night and I have a love hate relationship. I get nightmares a lot. Every night, unless I'm sharing a bed with someone. But I do like going places at night, so I don't hate night time completely.
"And I can find you
And give you my hand
And say 'It's all right,
Just a nightmare you had.'"
This song... I can't even put into words the way it makes me feel.