Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tonight's Victories

So there's this guy I've mentioned on here before who hasn't made it to the cast list yet because this is the first time I'm actually writing about him specifically named Jason. You'll hear more about him later. What you need to know for this story is that we were "together" for the month of August. He never wanted to put a label on anything. He was constantly touching me where I didn't want to be touched, even when I said no. Which technically is sexual abuse. Just saying. 

After college started up again for him, he stopped talking to me, which confirmed my friend Dave's theory that Jason was just a swinger and I was occupying him while he waited for college to start. Then in the middle of September he texted me. "Hey." That's all. No excuses for ignoring me, no apologies, nothing. So after about thirty-six hours of consulting all of the people I idolize and debating with myself, I sent the message Mary suggested. "I'm done with you. I deleted you from my contacts, my Facebook, and my life. Please don't contact me again."

He showed up at the last football game of the regular season. I cried when I saw him. One of my freshmen, Sarah, asked what was wrong. I told her the summarized version of what had happened with him. She told me not to let him bother me (and some other stuff, but I'll get to that in another post). He sat with all of my out-of-band friends, and so during third quarter when I don't have to sit with the band I found somewhere else to go. 

Tonight was a play-off game, and he came again. This time I did not cry. I felt like throwing up, sure, but I didn't cry. And at third quarter, I went with Jake to sit with my friends. Here's what it originally looked like from my point of view. The top of the picture is the field. There were more people and more rows, obviously, but I drew what's important. 
Then Danny came along. 

"Hi Danny."
"Hi, Laney."
"I need a hug. I feel like shooting somebody."
*gives very long hug* "Why? What did Jake do now?"
"No." *gestures towards Jason*
"Oh. Ohhhhhh."
Throughout the quarter we made jokes about hurting Jason. "Spilling" scalding hot chocolate on him, kicking him in the balls, etc. It was fun to fantasize about that.

Then Jake left to get food, and I saw Joey (another freshman who I'll get to later). I called him up, and he took Jake's spot.

And then Jake came back. 

Then I saw Neil standing in front of Jason looking for a place to sit. I yelled his name and got him to sit behind me. 

Joey gave me sips of his hot chocolate, which turned into him giving me the whole cup, and then leaving to go get more. My friend David came over and sat down. 

I started whining that David was going to hurt me (we have a love-hate relationship), so Neil moved down to protect me. He is my personal human shield. 

Then Joey came back and started playing with my hair. I very much enjoy when people play with my hair. Even just me having it up in a ponytail and them batting it or tugging it. I don't know why I like it, I just do. 

So pretty much most of the stuff that went on would have happened even if Jason wasn't there, and there wasn't anything that didn't happen because he was. Maybe I was a little louder and more obnoxious with my happiness, but none of it was forced after the first few minutes. I feel like that was an accomplishment, especially when you compare it to the last time I saw him. 

Although, if I'm being honest, it was hard. If I wasn't being distracted, I was looking at Jason and longing for him to turn around. I wanted him to apologize. I wanted him to hold me. I don't think it was the fact that it was him so much as that I knew he was comfortable, and recently I guess I've been the asexy version of horny. I desperately want to cuddle/be held. By practically anybody. Even if I had no romantic feelings for them. Just to satisfy the need. And to see someone who's been physically satisfying like that, even someone who took it way too far... I just wanted a connection with him again. In fact I'm sorely tempted to add him on Facebook again and go from there, just to be held. But I didn't talk to him, I didn't touch him (even though he was easily within my reach while I was sitting with them), and I didn't add him. 

Also, another victory- OUR FOOTBALL TEAM IS GOING TO STATES!!!

Song of the Day: "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" by Fall Out Boy

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