Monday, November 21, 2011


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I guess it has to do with this song: 

It also has to do with a talk I had with Mary recently. 

For a while now, part of me has been defined by whatever guy I was with at the time. Either I was Bryar's whatever-you'd-like-to-call-it, or I was Clay's girlfriend, or I was Jason's toy. And if I wasn't one of those, I was grieving the loss of the title. I think I'm officially over all three of them for the most part (there are still some late nights where I can't stop myself from missing them), and I'm not one hundred percent sure what to do with myself. I am nobody's anything. Or at least that's how I was thinking. 

But maybe... maybe I am mine. Maybe I don't need some guy to have some claim on me to be a legitimate person. Maybe I can be somebody all by my lonesome. 

I'm not one hundred percent sure who I am without them. I feel like part of my personality morphed when I was with them, and that part doesn't know what it's supposed to look like now. Maybe that's why I felt so empty when they left. Maybe that piece of me went off to sulk in a corner because it was too overwhelmed to function. 

Right now there are a couple of guys I'm interested in, but it doesn't look like either of them is going to make a move anytime soon. I was sitting there trying to figure out who I wanted to be with more. But maybe I don't need to be with either of them right now. Maybe it'd be a bad idea to be with either right now. 

I think I definitely need to spend some time figuring out who I am without being part of a pair. I mean, sure, I'm Mary's sister and Jake's friend and Joey's favorite upperclassman and Zach's partner in crime, but even if all of my friends and family suddenly disappeared, it's not like I'd cease to exist. There is a person in me that does not need others to be valid. Whoever the one for me is, he's not going to love me because of my connection to someone. He's going to love me for that independently genuine part. And if I don't have any clue what that part is, how can I expect him to?

The reason the song brought this on is it made me start thinking about how much I'd like to have someone who loved my flaws as much as my strengths like the narrator did for the person he was singing to. Then I realized I didn't really know what either of them were, besides stuff like I can't cook but I can sing. I know the kind of person I'd like to be, but I don't know who I am right now. 

I'm not saying that if either of these guys were to ask to be more than friends with me I'd say no for this reason alone. It's just something to think about in the meantime. 

P.S. My laptop is being extremely temperamental, but it's working more than it did a month ago. Which is good. 

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