Sunday, April 1, 2012

Happy Thoughts

" :|"
I've been pretty bad lately. Still in the depression that started a couple weeks after my birthday >.< Mainly it's because my mom and I keep arguing, because Molly is perfect and I am not. But that's not what I want to talk about right now. I want to talk about how I am happy right now.  

Tomorrow is Moxi's birthday. She had her first birthday party in years. It was just me, Neil, her, and her boyfriends. And even though I have fought with my mother every day for the past week and so I've been in a horrible mood, it left me in a great mood. Moxi lives with her godmother/-father/-sister now. Her godsister, Avalon, is adorable. She's a freshman this year and she talks in this baby voice that should be annoying but somehow isn't and she's hilarious and innocent and it's great and I love her, so that in and of itself put me in a good mood. Also, being around Moxi and Matt and Alex and especially Neil makes me happy. Moxi hated one of her presents from me, so I took it home. It's this cute little monster that speaks gibberish when you press its button. 

It was just really nice to be with everybody when I could cuddle with Neil. Because we're all together a lot, but it's always during school when we're not allowed to "PDA" and apparently us sitting on the floor with his arm around me is PDA u.u 

I like being around Alex and Matt because they're kind of like brothers to me. Matt's that annoying older brother that you fight with all the time, and Alex is the one that teases you lightly but takes your feelings into account and also helps you out a lot. Like when I started making my displeased noises about having chocolate from the brownies all over my hands and he nonchalantly placed the napkins in front of me and took one for himself. It's just that quiet help that just makes me feel accepted. And I love that they've accepted me like that, because they're Moxi's and I want to be able to hang out with her and them without it being awkward. I was scared they were going to take her away from me, but they haven't and they won't because they like me. 

I got bored while there was a lot of cuddling going on late into the party, so Moxi set me up with the first Assassin's Creed game. I enjoyed myself. I've realized I have two choices when it comes to video games that I'm not good at (which is pretty much all Xbox games). Either I can care about what I'm doing and get totally stressed out when it doesn't work right, or I can choose not to give a crap and just entertain myself and those watching me. I chose the second one today ^-^ At one point I was clinging to the side of the building and noticed that one of my options for button pushing was "Assassinate." I said "Assassinate? I CAN KILL THE BUILDING?!" and pushed it. My person thingy let go of the building and stabbed the nearest civilian. I took off running from the guards and ended up falling off a cliff and dying anyway. I also spent a full minute jumping in a puddle because it made a splashing noise. Moxi et al partially stopped what they were doing to watch and tease me ^-^ 

I really like entertaining people. (Neil and I were talking about how we both think too much, and here's an example of that. Just warning you) I think it might actually be part of the DPD. Most people wouldn't leave someone who is entertaining. And if I'm entertaining by being easily amused and sucking at stuff, then so be it. It works to my advantage. I swear that it's not fake, it's not a show I put on to get attention. It's who I am, and who I enjoy being. I don't know where I'd be without the DPD and the depression. They're not just disorders, they're who I am. I am morbid and innocent and doubtful and questioning and childish and scared and me. 

And god dammit I love Neil. I love that he can make me laugh. I love that he's interested in learning my limits. I love that I can talk to him about anything, and when he doesn't know the right thing to say, he just listens instead of saying the wrong thing. I love that he gets scared when I start talking about my suicide attempts because he doesn't want to lose me. I love that he opens the car door for me and then closes it really slowly so there's no chance of him closing the door on me. I love that he still loves me after I told him I was raped. I love his family. I love that he's okay just chilling at my house. I just... I don't know what to do sometimes because I'm so full of love for him that I feel like I'm going to burst. But shh, I haven't told him yet ^-^

Speaking of Neil, we're going to prom >.< I feel like such a girl because I can't stop thinking about it. AND MARY'S SENDING ME HER DRESS. It is beautiful. I'm so excited. Prom will be so wonderful because I will be wearing the same dress she did to her graduation. It's purple and sparkly. And I need to get new shoes. I'm excited about that, too. It's just... I think I'm actually slightly more excited about wearing her dress than about prom itself... It's hard to explain. I'm not looking forward to the dancing. I think Neil and I might end up being one of those disgusting couples who dance every song like it's a slow dance because I don't want to do anything else. I like slow dancing. God I'm so excited to go with him. We can PDA all we want and there's nothing anyone can do about it because neither of us see the point in doing real PDA and so it's all G-rated ^-^

So yeah. I'm happy tonight. 

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