Here we go again. I'm depressed and thinking too much. This always happens. But I guess I should just be grateful that my incessant thoughts revolve more around how the universe works than how to kill myself.

I've been thinking about "normal" a lot lately. I unfortunately can't say I've come up with all of these conclusions myself; I got some from Moxi's godfather and from Zefrank and Mr. Repzion on YouTube and probably from other places I can't remember right now. 

First off I've been thinking about what exactly "normal" is. How do we decide what's normal? We probably believe everything we do or see is "normal" until we have a reason to believe otherwise. Usually this reason is society. Of course, there's a difference between knowing what is normal and what is right, or at least I believe so. We've all heard the stories of people who lived in a culture and then sought to change it because they themselves realized that what was happening was immoral. However, when it comes what is normal, it's mainly society, and what's normal in one culture may not be normal in another. 

What I want to know is why these things have become normal. Sometimes it's obvious, like when the normal thing is beneficial to the species. It's normal to find a mate to procreate with in order to further the species. It's normal to eat and drink. It's normal to look for a job, which benefits both yourself and society. It's normal to clean yourself (for health reasons as well as social, going with the whole mate thing). It's normal to wear clothes when it is cold (and the rest of the time if you live in a society like mine, but this I don't one-hundred percent understand). It's normal to not take a walk down a dark alley in an unfamiliar city while alone. 

However, there are things that are considered abnormal which don't affect the furthering of our species, and that I don't understand. There are plenty of people on this earth, so you can't say we need everyone to procreate. Why, then, is homo/a/bi/etc.-sexuality still considered abnormal? And why is it abnormal to, I don't know, wear underwear on your head? 

And there are things that are normal for reasons that can be confounding. It's normal to have pets. It's normal to keep trash collected in cans. It's normal to like things that taste sweet. It's normal to sit in front of a box and communicate or kill time. 

Another thing- why is abnormal often seen as bad? I'm not talking about the abnormal things that can be harmful. I grew up both literally and figuratively being beaten to the edge of insanity. I did a lot of "abnormal" things to cope. I have my quirks, and I've gotten a lot of grief over them through the years. It wasn't normal for me to spend a year where my best friend was this apple tree in my backyard whose name was Hope. It wasn't normal for me to carry around a stuffed rabbit for two of my high school years, and now it's not normal that I carry around a white and green ratty old towel instead. It wasn't normal that I spent recesses sitting on the top of the jungle gym, writing or drawing. It wasn't normal that I went to birthday parties and stuck with the parents or older siblings instead of my peers. It's not normal that I still have imaginary friends. But honestly? Who cares? Why is this bad? These behaviors don't hurt me or anyone else. Why are they bad?

I believe that I have two selves- my outer and inner selves. The outer one is quiet, polite, reserved, responsible. She plays well with others and fits in society. But the inner one? Loud, childish, selfish, childish... When she doesn't get what she wants, she'll pout and sulk forever. When she gets what she wants, she still takes more. She likes to dance and scream and feel everything, both emotionally and physically. I don't show her often. Get me to trust you and take me to a toy store and you'll definitely see her. But she's not normal. She's a seventeen year old who babytalks when she sees stuffed animals. "There's a cow, moooooo.... and a sheepy sheep. Puppy! Lion! No, lion needs to go away from the puppy so he doesn't eat the puppy. But maybe he's a nice lion... I don't wanna hurt his feelings, so I'll just keep an eye on him without him knowing for a little bit and see what happens." She pins her arms to her sides and flaps her hands behind her when she's anxious. She sits and listens to Faerie Radio and laughs at herself when she realizes how provocatively she's dancing in her seat and how good it makes her feel. I don't show her that often because she's not normal, at least, not according to my outer self, and she's so fragile I'm afraid she'll be broken into submission the way my outer self was. And I'm not saying my outer self is fake; she's just as much of a part of me as my inner self is. It's like the outer self is my skin and my inner self is my organs and stuff. Both serve a purpose, just one's more suitable for public consumption. Because abnormal is bad.

And why do we feel the need to attack the abnormal? Why is there gay-bashing and why are mentally challenged kids made fun of and why was/is there segregation? Because normal is safe. What is normal, really, at the end of the day? Normal is what everyone else is doing. But why is everyone doing it? Was it normal before? All these normal things we do... where did they come from? How much of what we see as normal now were normal way back when? 

I don't know how to end this, so here's a link to the song I can't stop listening to tonight.