Friday, March 9, 2012

More Deep Thoughts (for me, at least)

It's weird the way my thoughts go when I'm depressed. I've been mulling this idea over since Sunday night. 

So you know how when someone doesn't want to be your friend, people usually say something along the lines of "Well, it's their loss"? I don't think that's right. It's not their loss. It's not yours either. They're not being your friend, and you're not having to put up with them hurting you later when they decide they can't take it anymore and really explode on you. It also frees you up to spend time with/making real friends who actually like you.

I officially lost a friend last summer after a year of back and forth. It took him that long to realize that being around me was not worth the annoyance of one of my flaws. I finally found out last night through a mutual friend what that specific flaw was. It's something I've recognized as a flaw for a long time and something I've been trying to work on. I've never lost a friend specifically because of that flaw before, but it has caused some arguments (especially with my ex before he was my ex). Most people seem to accept it as part of me. They don't like it when I act on that flaw, but they recognize that no one's perfect. This friend couldn't take this flaw, and that's just the way it is. Instead of talking to me about it so I could try harder to change around him, or deciding earlier that I just wasn't worth it and telling me that and cutting off contact, he waffled for a year and went back and forth between being my friend and hating me. And when he finally made the decision to end our friendship entirely, he couldn't even tell me himself. He told a different mutual friend to tell me he didn't want me to contact him anymore, and he wouldn't even tell me why.

That's what upsets me about not being friends with him anymore. Not that he doesn't like me, because I understand where he's coming from. The fact that rather than talking to me about it directly, he kept me on a string for so long while he decided and then used other people as his messenger.

I am mourning his friendship, because he was a guy that I really respected and enjoyed being around. However, I don't think that it's truly a loss for either of us, and I fully believe that we're both better off now that we're not friends.

By the way, I find it slightly amusing that I become more at peace with my life every time I get depressed. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing...

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