Update (since I haven't been here in forever)

So... I have a new boyfriend. His name is Tim. I met him when we were in sixth grade, right after I moved to Delaware. He was my first friend here. We liked each other, but he moved away. We lost touch and got back in touch and started hanging out again (forty-five minutes seems a lot longer of a distance when you're twelve than when you're seventeen/eighteen) and we've been going out since September 2nd. He's a pretty good guy, we've got some issues to work out but we'll make it.
(Also, while going back to see where I left off I realized that I never mentioned Neil and my break-up. So yeah. We broke up.)

We had to find a new home for Galahad for several different reasons, but we have a new dog now.

Her name is Kylee and she's very sweet. She's a mutt, but we're thinking she's mostly Pomeranian. She's about two and a half. She's the nicest, gentlest thing unless you throw a ball. Then she's vicious xD

Also, Leia's last batch of kittens have grown up and she has new ones now.

I got to meet John Green at the National Book Festival. I was super nervous about how beat-up my copy of Looking for Alaska is, thinking he might think I didn't care enough to take care of it. Instead he said "It's great to actually feel a well-read book." I cried.

I also got the opportunity to meet Fun. I'm a part of my school's new GSA. Fun. just finished up their Campus Consciousness Tour, and one part of it was inviting the GSAs from those colleges to meet the band and attend the sound check and have an ice cream social. UD's GSA offered my school's GSA five tickets and I got one of them (had to do with attendance and GPA and stuff). It was wonderful. The band is awesome and really nice and they were super excited that we as high-schoolers were there. We originally had awful seats, but this really awesome photographer named Tanner got us better ones and tracked us down and made me cry. There's a sticky-note on my wall in my bedroom that says what he said while I hugged him: "Just remember, for every asshole in the world, there's a guy like me."

I've been busy applying to colleges (UD, UVM, RIT, SDSU, WNE, Marlboro College, Kenyon College, William Penn University) and scholarships and working on my senior thesis (rape culture in America). 

I've gotten into more fandoms. BBC Sherlock, Doctor Who, Homestuck, Community, Battlestar Galactica, and Wilfred to name most of them. Definitely has kept me distracted. 

I've been spiraling crazily in and out of depression. I've been in one of the worst and longest depressive spells for the past couple of months. I'm not really talking to anyone and I'm having frequent panic attacks. I don't have the transport for outside therapy and the woman I was seeing at school got a job elsewhere and they haven't found a replacement for her yet. Someone brought up the idea of Big Brothers Big Sisters just for someone to talk to, and I'm looking into that. 

I've gotten into a bad habit of constantly contacting someone I shouldn't, and I am consciously making an effort not to. I'd like to make blogging regular again, so I think I'll keep track of the days I've gone without initiating contact. Right now it's officially a week. 

Anti Date Rape Drinkware

Okay, okay, I know I haven't posted in like six months. I'm probably going to get back to that. Probably.

Anyways, the reason I'm here:

There's a new company called DrinkSavvy that is creating straws, plastic cups, and glassware that change color if a drink has been drugged. There are test strips out there that do the same, but it's so awkward to do that and to be super-safe you'd have to do it repeatedly throughout the night. The fact that the straw or cup changes color is brilliant. They have a start-up here. Right now the goal for the money is to perfect the prototype and be able to offer it free to rape crisis centers, but eventually they'd like to get bars and universities to make it standard protocol to use it. This makes me super excited for several reasons (not the least of which being that I myself am a sexual abuse survivor), and if anyone could donate or just spread the word that'd be fantastic.

Alone

For the past few days, I've been feeling awful alone. People aren't returning my texts or emails, people are viewing and then ignoring my messages on Facebook, people are posting statuses about how wonderful their other friends are, and I'm...kinda...just...sitting...here...........miserable. I feel like lashing out at everyone just so that they'll get mad right back and yell at me because at least they'd be talking to me. I can't be that awful that it's not worth it to keep up a conversation with me... can I? 

I just want someone who will talk to me. Right now I want someone who will make an effort to keep up the conversation. I want someone who cares that much. I need somebody to let me need them. I've turned to everybody I can think of, and almost no one's responding. The one person who's responded placated me for a little bit and then asked me to go away so he could go back to what he was doing before. 

I'm getting desperate. This'll probably be the second night in a row I take a sleeping pill just to make the loneliness go away. Honestly, there are much worse things I could do, and I really want to do, just to make it stop. 

I just want it to stop. 

Here we go again. I'm depressed and thinking too much. This always happens. But I guess I should just be grateful that my incessant thoughts revolve more around how the universe works than how to kill myself.

I've been thinking about "normal" a lot lately. I unfortunately can't say I've come up with all of these conclusions myself; I got some from Moxi's godfather and from Zefrank and Mr. Repzion on YouTube and probably from other places I can't remember right now. 

First off I've been thinking about what exactly "normal" is. How do we decide what's normal? We probably believe everything we do or see is "normal" until we have a reason to believe otherwise. Usually this reason is society. Of course, there's a difference between knowing what is normal and what is right, or at least I believe so. We've all heard the stories of people who lived in a culture and then sought to change it because they themselves realized that what was happening was immoral. However, when it comes what is normal, it's mainly society, and what's normal in one culture may not be normal in another. 

What I want to know is why these things have become normal. Sometimes it's obvious, like when the normal thing is beneficial to the species. It's normal to find a mate to procreate with in order to further the species. It's normal to eat and drink. It's normal to look for a job, which benefits both yourself and society. It's normal to clean yourself (for health reasons as well as social, going with the whole mate thing). It's normal to wear clothes when it is cold (and the rest of the time if you live in a society like mine, but this I don't one-hundred percent understand). It's normal to not take a walk down a dark alley in an unfamiliar city while alone. 

However, there are things that are considered abnormal which don't affect the furthering of our species, and that I don't understand. There are plenty of people on this earth, so you can't say we need everyone to procreate. Why, then, is homo/a/bi/etc.-sexuality still considered abnormal? And why is it abnormal to, I don't know, wear underwear on your head? 

And there are things that are normal for reasons that can be confounding. It's normal to have pets. It's normal to keep trash collected in cans. It's normal to like things that taste sweet. It's normal to sit in front of a box and communicate or kill time. 

Another thing- why is abnormal often seen as bad? I'm not talking about the abnormal things that can be harmful. I grew up both literally and figuratively being beaten to the edge of insanity. I did a lot of "abnormal" things to cope. I have my quirks, and I've gotten a lot of grief over them through the years. It wasn't normal for me to spend a year where my best friend was this apple tree in my backyard whose name was Hope. It wasn't normal for me to carry around a stuffed rabbit for two of my high school years, and now it's not normal that I carry around a white and green ratty old towel instead. It wasn't normal that I spent recesses sitting on the top of the jungle gym, writing or drawing. It wasn't normal that I went to birthday parties and stuck with the parents or older siblings instead of my peers. It's not normal that I still have imaginary friends. But honestly? Who cares? Why is this bad? These behaviors don't hurt me or anyone else. Why are they bad?

I believe that I have two selves- my outer and inner selves. The outer one is quiet, polite, reserved, responsible. She plays well with others and fits in society. But the inner one? Loud, childish, selfish, childish... When she doesn't get what she wants, she'll pout and sulk forever. When she gets what she wants, she still takes more. She likes to dance and scream and feel everything, both emotionally and physically. I don't show her often. Get me to trust you and take me to a toy store and you'll definitely see her. But she's not normal. She's a seventeen year old who babytalks when she sees stuffed animals. "There's a cow, moooooo.... and a sheepy sheep. Puppy! Lion! No, lion needs to go away from the puppy so he doesn't eat the puppy. But maybe he's a nice lion... I don't wanna hurt his feelings, so I'll just keep an eye on him without him knowing for a little bit and see what happens." She pins her arms to her sides and flaps her hands behind her when she's anxious. She sits and listens to Faerie Radio and laughs at herself when she realizes how provocatively she's dancing in her seat and how good it makes her feel. I don't show her that often because she's not normal, at least, not according to my outer self, and she's so fragile I'm afraid she'll be broken into submission the way my outer self was. And I'm not saying my outer self is fake; she's just as much of a part of me as my inner self is. It's like the outer self is my skin and my inner self is my organs and stuff. Both serve a purpose, just one's more suitable for public consumption. Because abnormal is bad.

And why do we feel the need to attack the abnormal? Why is there gay-bashing and why are mentally challenged kids made fun of and why was/is there segregation? Because normal is safe. What is normal, really, at the end of the day? Normal is what everyone else is doing. But why is everyone doing it? Was it normal before? All these normal things we do... where did they come from? How much of what we see as normal now were normal way back when? 

I don't know how to end this, so here's a link to the song I can't stop listening to tonight.

Brother, New Haircut, Kittens, and A Chinchilla or None

Jeez I've been away too long. 

So when my mom was not much older than me she was dating this guy named Bill. Bill was abusive. They had my older sister Molly when my mom was eighteen and still in high school, so my mom gave her up for adoption. Then she had my brother out of a rape. Bill told her that if my brother came home from the hospital, he wouldn't live to see his first birthday. So my mom gave him up, too. 

The Monday before my last post (so sometime in July), we got a call from the adoption agency that my brother wanted contact. His name is Matt. He lives in South Dakota. He got married last weekend. He was a wrestler and a football player, and actually got a scholarship to Notre Dame for football but then blew out his knee and lost it so he never went to college. However, he makes alright for himself as a farmer. His favorite color is green. He likes wolves, cheetahs, and honeybadgers. He has huskies. He's already had to play big brother to me and did an excellent job. 

I cut my hair this weekend for several reasons. The one I tell everyone is that it was for Locks of Love. When I was in elementary school, my friend's sister (who was also my friend) got cancer and went through chemo. She didn't choose to wear a wig after losing her hair, but it still gave me a close-up look at cancer. I can better imagine what it would be like for someone to go through cancer and chemo and have the added stress of thinking they're ugly because they're bald and can't afford a wig. Also, some of the wigs go to trichotillomania sufferers, and I've had my own battles with that. So I've gotten into the habit of cutting it short everytime it gets long enough to donate. 

However, I cut it short a bit early this time. The reason for this is my abuser last summer offhandedly mentioned that he was glad I had long hair because he hated short hair on girls. So now my hair's about ear-length. It was actually like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I looked in the mirror and realized I am less attractive to him now. 

The kittens continue to be adorable. 

They're old enough to give up for adoption now, but (thankfully, in my opinion) we haven't found any yet. We've been keeping them in a pen in my room, but they can climb out now. They all have their own little personalities. Smokey's the most feisty. She takes on Vader on a regular basis. Monty's kind of a scaredy cat. He won't climb very high or jump off of the bed or go down the stairs. Oliver's the exact opposite. He likes walking on top of the pen, and was the first to discover the stairs (and nearly give me a heart-attack as he tried to go through the balcony where there would've been a three foot drop). And Thunder's kind of in the middle. He likes pouncing on stuff, especially his sibling's tails. 

I've been wanting a chinchilla since Bryar introduced me to the fact that they could be pets my freshman year. It's always been a pipe dream, though, because they're more expensive than the five dollar gerbils we usually get. As in usually between $150 and $500. However, we went to Pet Kare on the last Friday of June and found a female chinchilla for $75. Since we breed rats for them, they gave her to us for $65. 

This morning I was in the office by her cage when I heard her making this weird cooing noise. I went to check on her and found her curled up in the bedding out of her house and shaking. When I reached in and touched her, she didn't respond. I called my mom, who left work early and drove me to the pet store. By the time our friend there was able to look at her, she'd died.

This is hitting me harder than any of the other pet deaths (and trust me, over the last year and a half there have been a lot) except my first degu and my first rabbit. The degu was because I had him from December until April and we had bonded like I bonded to no other animal at the time; the rabbit because she had developed epilepsy and broke her leg in a seizure and I fed her mushed up food and cared for her for four days before she finally died. I guess it's because I wanted her for so long. And she was special. Bryar always told me to get a young male so I could bond to him and that females were super territorial. And then here comes this adult female who wanted nothing more than to be held. And I named her Annie. After Alice, that's my favorite name. I was saving it for something special. And now she's gone... 

I'm fighting hard not to slip back into depression, but it's really hard right now...

Beautiful

I don't know if it was the happy ending of the book I stayed up all night to read or the fact that I was up for the sunrise or the fact that I've got coffee brewing (never tasted it, but it sure smells good and I need the caffeine), but I am in a wonderful mood. Everything seems beautiful right now. Even just the fact that I'm alive and able to think these thoughts is beautiful. I can't even put it in to words. I'm trying, but it's just... it's just beautiful.

Also, before writing this, I went to Tumblr and lost the feeling. And then I saw a picture of a corgi puppy in a baby swing and regained it.

I'm tired. I'll try again later.

Prometheus Midnight Showing

I went to see Prometheus at midnight the other night with Mackay. It was a stupid decision for so many reasons, some I'll share here and some I won't, but I'm so glad that I did it. Not because I enjoyed the movie, although I did mostly like the stuff my face wasn't covered for, but because I was scared to do it- I was scared to ask for permission, I was scared to go without being able to prove I'm old enough, I was scared to watch it, I was scared to be in a theater with a guy who could overpower me (not because I didn't trust him, but because that's where I was abused for the first time and I was afraid of flashbacks)- and I did it anyway. 

We got to the theater, bought our tickets with no difficulty, and rejoiced at one step down. We waited in line to go into the actual theater. The lady asked for our IDs. Mackay showed his and told her that I was seventeen but didn't have my ID on me. She said that even though we'd bought the tickets, she couldn't let us in without seeing proof that I was seventeen. When Mackay finally gave up arguing, we went and stood in the lobby, trying to figure out what we were going to do instead. Then a guy who had been a couple people behind us in line called us over. Mackay looked at me with half a grin and said "It looks like your luck's about to change." The guy, who looked old enough to be my dad, said we were with him, and she let us in. We thanked him profusely once out of earshot and kept near him until we were out of her sight.

We went into the theater and it was packed. We found two seats near the middle. Mackay took the one next to a guy, I took the one next to a girl. He asked me if I would be okay with all the people around. I told him yes.

The movie was good, although I'm not usually big on that type of movie. I did spend a good majority of it with my face covered. Mackay later said that anytime he heard any sort of whimpering noise, he looked over and sure enough, there I was, spazzing out. He patted my arm several times. It was nice that I could focus on him when I was freaking out, though, because he's probably the person I trust the most besides Neil.

After the movie was over, he drove me home. I thanked him for the movie and then ran upstairs to sleep in my mom's bed, more than slightly spooked. Three hours later, I took a final exam, and hopefully passed it? Yeah, the movie wasn't the best timing, but it was worth it nonetheless. 

Goodbye Class of 2012

Graduation for the graduates of my high school was earlier this week. I'm proud of myself for how well I've been doing. Freshman year, I pretty much started crying at the beginning of May and didn't stop until halfway through June. I think it was mainly because I saw graduation as my senior friends leaving forever, and most of my friends were seniors. A few of them stuck around for a while, and a good amount still pop up now and then. Then last year, I cried a lot randomly throughout May, and then sobbed through the second half of graduation until I fell asleep, and then didn't really cry about it until band camp rolled around and I realized how many of the important people in band were no longer there. I see one of my friends from class of 2011 almost as much as I did when we went to school together. And this year I only cried for a few minutes at graduation, which I'll get to in a bit. 

The last week of senior classes was equal parts difficult and nice. I tried not to think about having to go to Telecom and not sit next to Mackay or not being able to meet up with Matt and Alex in the morning. Mackay paid me more attention than usual. He dragged me to lunch with him several days, which terrified me (because of the cafeteria) and pleased me (because I got to spend time with him). Since I didn't have a yearbook, I asked him to write or draw something on the back cover of the notebook I use for everything. He wrote "It's not like us seniors are disappearing, Delaney. Look at George ******. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY GEORGE ******. GEORGE ****** KNOWS ALL. -**** Mackay." He's still been texting me and messaging me on Facebook, and we're even going to see Prometheus at midnight tonight. Hopefully. I'm old enough to go, but I don't have a driver's license to prove it, so... He says that if they won't let me in, we'll go find someplace still open to spend the money that we would have used on tickets, which surprised me. He's the one who wants to go see this movie (I'm just going because it sounds okay, it gets me out of the house, and my mom shocked me by saying yes to it). 

So about how I cried at graduation. There's this guy who was always hanging out in the library. His name is Dustin. He's more of Alex, Matt, and Moxi's friend than mine, but I still call him my friend and stick up for him when necessary. He's in a wheelchair. If I had to guess, I'd say he has cerebral palsy just because he reminds me of a kid in a book I read who has cerebral palsy, but I really don't know. He's definitely physically disabled, but not mentally. Anyways, he's in one of those motorized wheelchairs. There was another guy in a wheelchair that graduated, and everyone cheered for him (compared to just people who knew him, like it was for everyone else). So when Dustin got a lot of cheers, I shrugged it off at first as nothing. Then people started standing up and continued cheering long enough that the person announcing the names had to stop and wait. I stood up a bit to see (it's hard to see from the floor where I was with the rest of the band) and started crying as I saw that he was walking across the stage. Granted, he was using a walker, but he was on his feet. I'm still tearing up now thinking about it. I'm so impressed by him and so proud of him and... it was just beautiful. I'm so happy I was able to see that. 

100th Post and Kittens!

Wow. I've never made it to this number on a blog before. Everyone applaud!

Things have changed a lot since I started this blog in September. I've made friends and lost friends. Definitely have a different combination of animals. Molly came and left because drugs. I've changed a lot myself, in outlook on life and personality. 

I'd like to keep this blog going for at least another hundred posts. It'll be nice to look back and see more of how I've changed. 

I really would have liked to make that longer, but I have something more exciting to talk about- our cat had her kittens!

Yesterday (hours old):

Today (about a day old):

It's really quite amazing. First of all, watching any new life enter the world is beautiful. Second of all, Leia was the most anti-social cat from the day we got her until the day her kittens were born. Now, she's adorable and sweet and loving. She lets me pet her and the babies (although I don't do either often for fear of stressing them out). And she purrs so much. Before yesterday, we'd never heard her purr, but now she won't stop! It's beautiful. 

Ludo Takes Manhattan

After a lot of pleading and a lot of smoothing over of the details, Neil and I got to go to the Ludo Takes Manhattan show yesterday at the Highline Ballroom. We took a bus there and a train back. It was an amazing experience, even better than the last Ludo concert I went to. It was just... it was amazing. 

When we got to New York, I was nervous. I have never been in NYC before, let alone without an adult or a clear plan. We walked the nineteen or so blocks from the bus station to the ballroom and then walked an extra block not realizing that we had passed it. It was pretty bad, because we passed this line of people and I thought "Hmm. Wonder what's going on?" and we got to the front of the line and someone called out "I like your shirt!" and I said thanks and we kept walking and then all of a sudden we realized we just passed the venue. 

I was wearing this shirt. Should've realized it was a Ludo concert-goer when he recognized it.

So we walked back to the back of the line and then decided to go get something to eat. We ran to Subway, got food, and then ran back to get in line. The whole standing-in-line thing lasted about an hour, but it wasn't too bad. We made jokes and had short conversations with the people ahead of us in line who happened to be nerdfighters and, oh yeah, got passed by Andrew Volpe. I kinda stood there going "Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit." for a couple minutes afterwards. Eventually the doors opened and we were the third group let in. We bought our tickets and headed into the ballroom where we stood and waited for yet another hour. 

The last Ludo concert I went to, there was a guy there with a Pizza John shirt (vlogbrothers reference). I wanted to say something to him, but the time it took me to work up my nerve by staring at his shirt was the same amount of time it took his girlfriend to decide I was checking him out and get all territorial and shoot me death glares, so I was too scared to go say something (thank you social anxiety). This time there was a girl there wearing a Pizza John shirt who happened to pass Neil and I in the ballroom. I tapped her on the shoulder and told her I liked her shirt ^-^

Also, everytime I have typed "shirt" so far in this post, I've missed the "r" key at first. Good times.

The opening acts were all right. The first was Electric Sun, which was a band that played music. I can never properly genre-lize music. The guy had an interesting haircut, that's for sure. I don't think he was used to the type of mic that the Highline Ballroom had. It was a unidirectional mic, and he kept going off to the side and the sound was really unclear. The second act was PDA, which was a rap group. That struck me as a little odd. I don't go to Ludo concerts to hear rap music... They did know how to work their audience, though, and his shirt said "The cake is a lie," so I didn't hate him. 

And then Ludo came on. They were, of course, fantastic. 

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about why I go to Ludo concerts. I can listen to their music anytime I want. I have all their albums. I can watch videos on YouTube of their banter between songs. There's just something about their concerts... Not many people have heard of Ludo, and then to be in one room with 600+ people who are fans... it's something special. Plus, there's something about a concert, and I'm not sure if it's just Ludo or concerts in general because I've only been to two concerts in my life and they were both Ludo, but something about it makes me feel great. I'm more confident, happier, even more sexual (AKA I'm almost able to pass as sexual :P). Normally I get antsy around crowds, but I'm perfectly fine with the rule of no personal space at a concert. I do a lot of jumping and screaming at concerts, whereas normally I don't show much excitement unless I'm around certain people. I just feel like a totally different person at concerts.

I sang and shouted along to every song they did. A lot of the time, though, I was just mouthing the words. Not because I was afraid of being heard and judged which is my reason at birthday parties, but because I just couldn't sing. It was hard to find enough breath to make noise. I actually started crying a little during "The Horror of Our Love" when it was just Andrew Volpe on stage and it was beautiful. It was just a really good experience, and I can't wait to do it again. 

Inventory: Voice: gone. Hearing in right ear: slowly coming back. Ringing in both ears: still here. Legs: sore. Mood: through the roof and probably not coming back down anytime soon. 

Wajas

*glares at self* 

Ever since I was little, I've really been into genetics/breeding whether I knew it or not. My favorite game when I was ten and everyone else was playing Pokemon but I had the super-protective mother who wouldn't let me was this game called Fish Tycoon on Yahoo Games. You had these fish, and you bred them and made different combinations and you sold them to buy enhancements and stuff. The purpose of the game overall was to breed these seven Magic Fish. I was obsessed. I played it constantly. Every now and then I'd forget to take the game off high-speed and I'd end up killing all my fish and having to start over, but one run went really well and I actually bred all seven Magic Fish. 

Now, Moxi has gotten me into this site called Wajas that's pretty much just a breeding simulator. If you look over to the right in my link box you should see a link to my page on Wajas. Feel free to check it out. The first Wajas I bred were... Yuck. They eventually grew on me, but... yuck. 

The second batch was much better. 

But the third batch. Oh, Lord. I fell in love with one of the pups, as shown by the fact that I'm spoiling her rotten. 

My current goal is to make a Pikachu Waja. I will do it eventually. It might take a while, and it might take a lot of breeding, but I will make one. 

I think I might be a little obsessed with this. I've already played it for four hours today, just searching for the perfect Pikachu Waja pair and organizing my store and selling stuff and catching things for cheap and researching and... it's starting to get a little out of hand. But on the bright side, at least it's legal and safe. 

Dog Park

Molly's ex Jason and I took Galahad and his dog, Sweetie, to the dog park yesterday. It was the first time Galahad had been allowed to run around in an area that was not closed off around people and dogs he didn't know. At first, he just stuck around me. Other dogs would come over and sniff him, and he would run over to Jason or I and hide by us. 

Eventually he started learning the "sniff butts" social practices and started returning them instead of running away with his tail literally between his legs.

He really liked running over to people and hearing "Oh, you're such a sweet puppy" and getting petted. I followed him, far enough that he got his independence but close enough to step in if needed. I answered the questions: "About five months old, Australian Shepherd mixed with Norwegian Elkhound, Galahad as in the son of Lancelot." He also really liked chasing the other dogs, but didn't approve when the game turned around and he was the one being chased. 

Eventually we went down by the water where he befriended a three month old German Shepherd puppy named Princess. 

They'd chase each other around until Princess went into the water, and then he'd stop short and wait for her to come back. 

Eventually Princess went home. I stepped into the water with my rainboots and did my best convincing to get Galahad to join me. He got hot and thirsty enough to come over enough to drink from it, but he refused to actually step into the water until Jason reached into the water and showed him it was okay. 

We hung out by the water for another ten minutes or so with Galahad perfectly content until one of the other owners started throwing a ball into the lake for her dog to get. Every time the dog would come out of the water, Galahad would freak out until she was on dry land. He would bark and growl and prance back and forth. It was really quite amusing to watch him so terrified and angry about something rising out of the water. He reacted the same the first time he saw a basketball. 

Eventually we went home as well, and he took pride in drooling all over the back seat. 

Friend Feature #2: Paul

I met Paul on the first day of my sophomore year. I was in the cafeteria with Adam and George, and Adam saw Paul and yelled "Paul! I thought you were dead!" Because obviously if you go a year without seeing someone, that means they're dead -.- Paul sat next to me at the lunch table. I didn't actually didn't hear him talk for a couple of months. He usually played with his DS or slept or just sat there quietly listening to the rest of us talk. 

I don't remember how or when we became friends. It had to have been November at the latest, because of Bun Bun. Paul never ate lunch, so when I got Bun Bun and started bringing him to school, Paul "babysat" while I stood in the lunch line. Paul is Bun Bun's official nanny, which just goes to show the type of person he is for me. 

I call Paul my big brother. I've called a lot of people my big brother, but I think this one's going to stick. I've been calling him my brother since January of '11, but it was only official a couple of months ago. 

(By the way, the "drugs" was Benadryl) He doesn't like me cursing around him, not because he doesn't like curse words he just doesn't like innocent little me saying them. He yells at me for staying up too late, and for not eating properly (c'mon, it's the week after Easter, who needs "real food" when chocolate's on sale?!)

Paul indulges my childishness like no one else does (I mean, besides Neil :P). In fact, he encourages it a lot. He plays along with the "Bun Bun is my and Selby's child and you are the nanny." He teases me when I get playful, but not so much that it upsets me. I've noticed that I become more playful and childish around certain people, and he's definitely one of them. I used to go over to his house a lot because his brother did a podcast with my ex and some other people. I'd sit on the floor of his basement and be quiet (although I did speak up in one podcast when they started talking about WoW because I was the only one in the room who'd actually really played it and knew about it, and I had an audible coughing fit another time when I was sick), and Paul would make faces at me and hand me cats and stuff. 

I can talk to him about things I don't talk about with most people. I feel like he knows me better than anyone except probably Mary. He knows why I'm so attached to Bun Bun and why I get so clingy with some people. He pats me on the head when I do something right because he knows it makes me feel appreciated. He knows what happened last summer with Jason (he got REALLY angry with him. Like, scary angry.), and he knows how I feel about pretty much every person we know. 

We cheer each other up a lot. I'm going to run away with Vader and live at his house if things here don't get better soon. Our usual way of cheering up is drawing each other pictures. I make him stuff like this and he draws me stuff like this which I steal from him and put in protective sleeves and keep in my binder and stare at in the middle of class to keep me happy. 

We have loving conversations like this:

Also, he drew all of my best friends for me :D 

He's the T-Rex, Selby's the bunny, Moxi Matt and Alex are the dogs, Joey's the sheep dog, Mary's the flamingo, Neil is the penguin, and I'm the duck ^-^ I played around with it a little in gimp and made it the blog's background, and it's also my timeline cover on Facebook. I love this drawing so much. 

I love my brother <3

Happy Thoughts

"Why...are...you...never...just....completely.................fine. :|"
                                      -Paul

I've been pretty bad lately. Still in the depression that started a couple weeks after my birthday >.< Mainly it's because my mom and I keep arguing, because Molly is perfect and I am not. But that's not what I want to talk about right now. I want to talk about how I am happy right now.  

Tomorrow is Moxi's birthday. She had her first birthday party in years. It was just me, Neil, her, and her boyfriends. And even though I have fought with my mother every day for the past week and so I've been in a horrible mood, it left me in a great mood. Moxi lives with her godmother/-father/-sister now. Her godsister, Avalon, is adorable. She's a freshman this year and she talks in this baby voice that should be annoying but somehow isn't and she's hilarious and innocent and it's great and I love her, so that in and of itself put me in a good mood. Also, being around Moxi and Matt and Alex and especially Neil makes me happy. Moxi hated one of her presents from me, so I took it home. It's this cute little monster that speaks gibberish when you press its button. 

It was just really nice to be with everybody when I could cuddle with Neil. Because we're all together a lot, but it's always during school when we're not allowed to "PDA" and apparently us sitting on the floor with his arm around me is PDA u.u 

I like being around Alex and Matt because they're kind of like brothers to me. Matt's that annoying older brother that you fight with all the time, and Alex is the one that teases you lightly but takes your feelings into account and also helps you out a lot. Like when I started making my displeased noises about having chocolate from the brownies all over my hands and he nonchalantly placed the napkins in front of me and took one for himself. It's just that quiet help that just makes me feel accepted. And I love that they've accepted me like that, because they're Moxi's and I want to be able to hang out with her and them without it being awkward. I was scared they were going to take her away from me, but they haven't and they won't because they like me. 

I got bored while there was a lot of cuddling going on late into the party, so Moxi set me up with the first Assassin's Creed game. I enjoyed myself. I've realized I have two choices when it comes to video games that I'm not good at (which is pretty much all Xbox games). Either I can care about what I'm doing and get totally stressed out when it doesn't work right, or I can choose not to give a crap and just entertain myself and those watching me. I chose the second one today ^-^ At one point I was clinging to the side of the building and noticed that one of my options for button pushing was "Assassinate." I said "Assassinate? I CAN KILL THE BUILDING?!" and pushed it. My person thingy let go of the building and stabbed the nearest civilian. I took off running from the guards and ended up falling off a cliff and dying anyway. I also spent a full minute jumping in a puddle because it made a splashing noise. Moxi et al partially stopped what they were doing to watch and tease me ^-^ 

I really like entertaining people. (Neil and I were talking about how we both think too much, and here's an example of that. Just warning you) I think it might actually be part of the DPD. Most people wouldn't leave someone who is entertaining. And if I'm entertaining by being easily amused and sucking at stuff, then so be it. It works to my advantage. I swear that it's not fake, it's not a show I put on to get attention. It's who I am, and who I enjoy being. I don't know where I'd be without the DPD and the depression. They're not just disorders, they're who I am. I am morbid and innocent and doubtful and questioning and childish and scared and me. 

And god dammit I love Neil. I love that he can make me laugh. I love that he's interested in learning my limits. I love that I can talk to him about anything, and when he doesn't know the right thing to say, he just listens instead of saying the wrong thing. I love that he gets scared when I start talking about my suicide attempts because he doesn't want to lose me. I love that he opens the car door for me and then closes it really slowly so there's no chance of him closing the door on me. I love that he still loves me after I told him I was raped. I love his family. I love that he's okay just chilling at my house. I just... I don't know what to do sometimes because I'm so full of love for him that I feel like I'm going to burst. But shh, I haven't told him yet ^-^

Speaking of Neil, we're going to prom >.< I feel like such a girl because I can't stop thinking about it. AND MARY'S SENDING ME HER DRESS. It is beautiful. I'm so excited. Prom will be so wonderful because I will be wearing the same dress she did to her graduation. It's purple and sparkly. And I need to get new shoes. I'm excited about that, too. It's just... I think I'm actually slightly more excited about wearing her dress than about prom itself... It's hard to explain. I'm not looking forward to the dancing. I think Neil and I might end up being one of those disgusting couples who dance every song like it's a slow dance because I don't want to do anything else. I like slow dancing. God I'm so excited to go with him. We can PDA all we want and there's nothing anyone can do about it because neither of us see the point in doing real PDA and so it's all G-rated ^-^

So yeah. I'm happy tonight. 

Hunger Games

So I went and saw The Hunger Games not once, but twice on opening day. Now, before you go "Oh my gosh another obsessed fan-girl" and stop reading, hear me out. Mom and I bought our tickets for the midnight showing at the beginning of the month. We always go to see these types of movies together, and she never let me see Harry Potter at midnight so she said we'd see Hunger Games then. Earlier this week, Mackay asked me if Neil and I wanted to go see it Friday night with him and his friends, and I jumped at the chance to 1) go to the movies with Neil, which is always great, 2) have Neil see that movie so I'd be able to analyze it with him, 3) spend time with Mackay and his friends, which is usually fun. Also, I'm an mildly obsessed fan-girl who loved the movie :D

As requested, I've made this currently-not-but-may-become-Hunger-Games-fan friendly :D Unfortunately, I'm not sure what qualifies as a true spoiler, so I've just put things having to do with MAJOR points (by the way, they all die at the end xP) in the spoiler section. Little details are slightly spoiled in the "non-spoiler" part, but nothing I think someone would get angry at me for. 

Non-major-spoiler part-

• I really enjoyed the camera work in the film. I've heard people complaining about the shakiness of several shots, but I think that just added to the urgency and panic of those scenes. A friend of mine said "I can barely tell what's going on," but in certain parts of the movie, that's how it was for Katniss as well. I also really enjoy what they did after the tracker jacker stings. 
• There wasn't as much gore as the book called for, but it wasn't taken out completely. They balanced not being bloody in order to get a PG-13 rating well with not being total wimps xP
• The casting was amazing. I wasn't too impressed with Donald Sutherland as President Snow. He played his part well, don't get me wrong. He just looked too much like a giant teddy bear. But I was really nervous about Lenny Kravitz as Cinna, and he blew my mind. Amandla Stenberg (Rue) was adorable, and her acting was awesome.  Alexander Ludwig (Cato) actually looked a lot like my middle school bully. I liked him in that role :P Isabelle Fuhrman (Clove) was wonderful in her star scene at the feast. She was just infuriating and creepy and I loved it. And Dayo Okeniyi (Thresh)? Amazing. Absolutely amazing. As for the main characters, they all did really well. I loved how Jennifer Lawrence (Katniss) interacted with Prim and Rue. I really liked Woody Harrelson (Haymitch), although Neil disagrees on me with this :P

SPOILER

• I felt like Rue's death was handled extremely well. It was dramatic and heart-breaking. Them showing District 11's response made it all the more painful. I cried both times it happened. 
• Cato's monologue at the end was BRILLIANT. It made him and all the other Careers seem way more human than they did previously. 
• Something else that was brilliant- Seneca being locked in the room with the nightlock berries. I can't even describe how beautiful it was. 
• Movie-specific spoiler: The mutts were done awesomely. Maybe not the way they looked, but the way they came out. With Katniss lowering her bow in supposed safety and then BAM. I was sleepy at the midnight showing and nearly ended up on my mom's lap when I jumped. I made Neil take his arm away from me when I saw it with him so I didn't hurt him xD A girl a few rows ahead of us screamed :P
• Not spoiling the movie specifically anymore xP The mutts... they weren't right, but I couldn't be happier about that. The way they were described in the book creeped me out. "What wolf waves the rest of the pack forward with its front paw as though it had a wrist?" That. Sentence. Scares. The. Crap. Out. Of. Me. But in the movie they were just like giant pit bulls. 

END SPOILER

Go see it. NOW. :D

Letter to my Twelve Year Old Self

Hey me,

Alright, I know stuff really sucks right now. You're very far away from all of your friends and everything you've ever known. You've been uprooted and dropped into a really sucky school with some really sucky kids. Don't worry about them. You'll get through it. And you know that one girl that you're terrified of? You have good reason to be. However, she gets what's coming to her. And that boy you have a huge crush on? Yeah, he is a total jerk, but he'll come through when you need him in a couple of months. After that, move on. 

When you get to middle school, you're going to go completely boy crazy, and that turns out okay. You get some experience that are really going to help you out later in life. Don't worry about the ways you're different from all your friends; it'll start to make sense in a few years. Just don't forget that a certain friend is even crazier about boys than you, and try to stick by her even when she deserts you for a certain boy. She'll come back, and she's going to need you. Try not to be so resentful. Also, please realize that Taylor Swift isn't the only recording artist out there. It's okay to love her, it's not okay to scoff at anything but her. And don't be all "I loved her before everyone knew her." It's not attractive. 

When you get to high school, don't be so scared. Most of the people you'll be terrified of at first turn out to be your best friends. Please do your homework. That's the biggest thing. Once you get into the habit, it shouldn't be too hard. I wouldn't know. It's hard to break the habit of not doing it. There's going to be a boy (there's always a boy), and he's going to take your heart and break it and mend it so many times that it'll make your headspin. But he'll introduce you to so much that it'll all be worth it in the end. When you go through what you think is the worst break-up in the history of break-ups, remember that you've got friends that will never leave you the way he did. Love them as passionately as you loved him. You'll pull through. 

You're going to go through a lot of crap in the five years until you're my age. And for all I know, you're going to go through a lot of crap even after that. But know that you'll get through it. You'll laugh as much as you cry. There's a lot of good music and literature coming your way. You've got a lot of wonderful friends to make, and a lot of good memories to have. Just hang in there, kiddo. You'll make it. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Why I Hate Being Me Sometimes

So imagine you're finally with a guy that you've been crushing on for a couple of years now. He's probably the best guy you've ever dated. He has the same sense of humor you do. He's smart. He gets along great with your closest friends. You like his family, and he likes yours. He has the hairstyle that you've always admired, and he doesn't want to cut it off anytime soon. He's a musician, so you can have intellectual conversations with him about music and actually learn something, too. He's also your favorite nationality. Everything that's important to you, he has, and then some. When you're with him, you feel like everything's going to be all right. 

You're lying down with him on the couch and you know there's no chance of him trying anything that could make you uncomfortable since he's already pretty much figured out your limits. This is what you've been dying for forever, and you finally have it. You're happy, and you're warm, and you're comfortable. You're also kind of sleepy. You close your eyes, and all of a sudden everything is wrong. It's no longer March of 2012, it's August of 2011. This isn't the guy of your dreams, this is the one who keeps trying to rape you. You bolt up to find that everything's back to normal, but you're still shaky and afraid. Everything you've worked towards for the past seven months has been stripped away again, and you're back in victim mode. And even worse, your boyfriend is hurt and confused, and you can't quite get the words out to tell him what's wrong, so he sits there thinking he did something he shouldn't have. 

This happens time and time again, but you don't know how to stop it or where to turn for help. You just want to find some way to make the memories disappear, or at least leave you alone when they're so inconvenient, but you don't know how. You feel so alone, and so dirty, and so miserable.

And it is awful. 

Sweet Asexy Love Day

So apparently the tradition is to post pictures and captions, but I don't feel like posting pictures. So screw that. I'm just going to briefly summarize the relationships that mean the most to me in no particular order until I lose interest. 

Neil- le boyfriend. We danced around each other for a while, but we're finally together. I'm not going to say our relationship is perfect, because no relationship is. He's known I'm asexual since August, and obviously he's cool with that. We're still kinda awkward around each other sometimes, but when we finally get into the groove, it feels right. 

Mary- I have so much trouble describing us. Imagine the best friend you could possibly have, the one who knows what to say, who makes you laugh, who cares about you sometimes so much you feel like crying of happiness even when everything else seems to be falling apart. I mean sometimes it's hard, because when she's hurting all I want to do is be there for her in person, and I can't. 

Selby- She's already gotten her blog post ^-^ We have a million inside jokes, and we both know how to make each other smile. We also know how to piss each other off, but we haven't taken advantage of that yet. I show her a side of me that most of my IRL friends have never seen. 

Zach- I've been friends with him since eighth grade. I've probably fought more and harder with him than anyone else in my life, but we get each other. We've been there for each other through a lot. We often talk about really dark topics, because we've both been in really bad places, and I think we worry Neil sometimes. Neither of us mean what we say, and it's nice to have someone to talk about that kind of stuff theoretically. 

Paul- He's getting his own blog post. I've been working on it. He's my big brother. I love that I can run to him when things are going wrong and he gives me the attention I crave and even seems to enjoy it. He's one of the few that never get annoyed with me. He knows how to make me giggle and how to make me cower in fear, and does both quite often. He seems to know how I feel about most things without me telling him. He just knows me :)

Moxi- Jeez. Where do I start? We've had our rocky parts, but it's smooth sailing right now. I think she handles my depression better than everyone else. She's the right mix of "it's going to be okay" and "pull yourself together and get done what needs to be done." I'll never forget her teaching me a unit's worth of AP Bio in fifteen minutes when all I really wanted to do was go curl up somewhere and ignore the world, and me acing the test because of that. I've gotten to the point now where when she hits me, I do it right back, and I think she respects me more now that I've learned to stand up for myself. 

Alex- Moxi's boyfriend. I'm forever indebted to him for loving her when I couldn't stand her. He's somewhat of a brother to me now that Mox and I are friends again. I can talk to him like I couldn't before. We bond over her craziness. The day that I decided I really liked him was the day that my nose was running and he gave me a tissue while Moxi laughed at me. I think that pretty much sums up our friendship somehow. I haven't quite figured out how to put it into words yet. 

Matt- I don't even know which relationship to state here. He's Alex's, Moxi's, Zach's, and my close friend. He joins Zach and I with our discussions. He feeds me. He teases me. I feel comfortable around him. He makes jokes about a lot of stuff that some people think he shouldn't, but I find him highly amusing. He's also really smart. 

Mackay- Our friendship is uber complicated. Sometimes he gets super irritated with me, and sometimes I can't stand him. He's extremely blunt, and he never does anything to save my feelings. However, he's still a good friend of mine. I can trust him to be honest when I ask him something. He balances concerned and joking extremely well when I tell him about my past. 

George- I've known him since I was a freshman and he was a junior. We have a lot of miscommunications because he keeps a straight face while being sarcastic, and I often think he's serious when he's not. He's one of the few I ever talk to on the phone. I think we become exasperated with each other pretty evenly, so it all works out. I definitely think we'll be friends for a long time. 

All right, I'm bored. Hey, it's an even ten!

A Million Sad Faces

I'm depressed again. I was doing so well, too! I went from the Friday before my birthday (that'd be... February 17th) until last Sunday (March 4th?) without being depressed, but I'm back. I'm just gonna, you know, curl up here and wait for it all to go away...

Pointless Post

I just wanted to know... If I pre-schedule a post for 2:30 AM on the night/morning that it's supposed to leap forward an hour at 2 AM, what time will it say it posted since 2:30 technically doesn't exist?

And then I found out. You get an error. "Because of a daylight savings time shift on the date entered, the time entered does not exist."

More Deep Thoughts (for me, at least)

It's weird the way my thoughts go when I'm depressed. I've been mulling this idea over since Sunday night. 

So you know how when someone doesn't want to be your friend, people usually say something along the lines of "Well, it's their loss"? I don't think that's right. It's not their loss. It's not yours either. They're not being your friend, and you're not having to put up with them hurting you later when they decide they can't take it anymore and really explode on you. It also frees you up to spend time with/making real friends who actually like you.

I officially lost a friend last summer after a year of back and forth. It took him that long to realize that being around me was not worth the annoyance of one of my flaws. I finally found out last night through a mutual friend what that specific flaw was. It's something I've recognized as a flaw for a long time and something I've been trying to work on. I've never lost a friend specifically because of that flaw before, but it has caused some arguments (especially with my ex before he was my ex). Most people seem to accept it as part of me. They don't like it when I act on that flaw, but they recognize that no one's perfect. This friend couldn't take this flaw, and that's just the way it is. Instead of talking to me about it so I could try harder to change around him, or deciding earlier that I just wasn't worth it and telling me that and cutting off contact, he waffled for a year and went back and forth between being my friend and hating me. And when he finally made the decision to end our friendship entirely, he couldn't even tell me himself. He told a different mutual friend to tell me he didn't want me to contact him anymore, and he wouldn't even tell me why.

That's what upsets me about not being friends with him anymore. Not that he doesn't like me, because I understand where he's coming from. The fact that rather than talking to me about it directly, he kept me on a string for so long while he decided and then used other people as his messenger.

I am mourning his friendship, because he was a guy that I really respected and enjoyed being around. However, I don't think that it's truly a loss for either of us, and I fully believe that we're both better off now that we're not friends.

By the way, I find it slightly amusing that I become more at peace with my life every time I get depressed. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing...

FWAH!

(Title is my new default happy noise)

So Stacy over at Sweets Galore (adorable little blog, by the way, go check it out if you haven't already) gave me AWARDS! I'm not one hundred percent sure what these are because I haven't actually seen them before, but there are surveys attached so I'm going to do them because I love surveys (also I'm hyper today).




The first one's called Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments award.

1. Describe yourself in seven words: Childish, impulsive, excitable, needy, creative, curious, scared

2. What keeps you up at night: People. Whether it's staying up late to wait for someone to get home from work so I can talk to him, or anticipation of plans with someone the next day, or the way they're worrying me, I mostly think of people when I should be sleeping.

3. Whom you’d like to be: Independent but loved.

4. What are you wearing right now: The sweatpants I stole from an old friend a year ago and my marching band hoodie and borrowed fuzzy socks from my mom. One's black and pink and blue stripes and the other's pink with blue peace signs.

5. What scares you: Abandonment, and people, and myself when I'm depressed, and mascots/clowns/masks, and body fluids, and exploding soda cans, and my English teacher from my first two years of high school.

6. What are the best and the worst things about blogging: Best thing is probably that I can get my thoughts out and be heard without actually having to talk/address anyone specifically. Worst thing is that I'm always scared that someone might leave mean comments/harass me (again >.>).

7. What was the last website you looked at: Google Images for a reference to draw Latvia (Hetalia) from ^-^

8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would you change: Probably how much I wallow. Like, it's a good thing that I feel passionately about everything, but I need to stop wallowing in the hatred of things/my life (though the latter has been less hate-worthy lately :D)

9. Slankets, yes or no: *googles* "The Orginal Blanket with Sleeves"? What about Snuggies? Snuggies aren't very warm, though. I prefer just using my comforter. My comforter is, like, the best thing ever. It really lives up to its name.

10. Tell us something about the person that nominated you: First off, like previously stated, is really cute. I like her posts because they're well written and also I like the pictures. And I LOVE the font. So much.



The other one was The Sunshine Award 2011.

Favorite color: Lilac ^-^ Actually pretty much any purple except eggplant.

Favorite animal: Brrrraaaar duckdogeeldragonwolfelephant *nods decisively*

Favorite number: 8 because it's a sideways infinity sign

Favorite drink: Orange soda. Or Arnold Palmer. OR MONSTER

Facebook or twitter: Facebook, because that's where my friends are. I do have a Twitter, but none of my IRL friends know it (Mackay and Danny know it exists, though) so I can be totally honest.

My passion: Life

Getting or giving presents: I feel like I'm stealing her answer here, so I'm going to expand on it :P I like giving and getting. I like making them think of me. But I also like getting because then I know they thought of me on their own. I really like used presents (like hand-me-downs). I think I like them better than store-bought gifts when it comes to my favorite people.

Favorite pattern: Stripes. But any patterns make me happy.

Favorite day of the week: Wednesday. It used to be because that's when my ex had off and I'd stay afterschool with my favorite teacher and then he'd pick me up and we'd go get food or go to his friend's house and play video games or something, but I don't know why I like them so much now. I guess it's just because it's in the middle of everything.

Favorite flower: Snapdragons ^-^ Ever since I was little we've planted them every spring.


And now apparently I'm supposed to pass these along? You know what? I know a lot of my followers don't actually follow :P At least, I know that I don't always read what comes up in that little box. So if you've made it this far, you get the awards.

Leap Day Leap Day Leap Day :D

"You’re arguing that the fragile, rare thing is beautiful simply because it is fragile and rare."

-Hazel Grace, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I love Leap Day. I really have no reason other than the fact that it only comes every four years. Also, have you ever seen Leap Year? It was an amazing movie for me. A chick flick that took place in Ireland: Best thing ever! 

On the topic of Leap Year... so there's this Irish tradition that the movie is based on. It's rumored that a long time ago, St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick that the men of Ireland were complete wusses who wouldn't propose and that it wasn't fair to make the ladies of Ireland wait for them to acquire balls (I'm sure that's not how she put it, but it's the way I think of it). St. Patrick eventually gave in and said once every four years (Leap Day, specifically), women could propose to men. According to the movie, the guy couldn't say no. According to the real legend, the guy either had to say yes, give the lady twelve pairs of gloves, or give the lady a silk gown and a kiss. 

I'll tell anyone who'll listen that I'm more Irish than anything else. And my friend Neil who I've liked since our freshman year is also Irish. So I figured I'd tweak the tradition a little bit and tell him I liked him. I meant to do it in person, but I was too sick to go to school today. So as soon as school let out, I started texting him. After the intial "how are you?" and "anything of importance happen today?" texts, I told him I had something to tell him. 

-I like you. 

(a few minutes later) But if you don't like me, that's totally okay. 

-Actually, I was going to ask you out on a date next time I saw you in person. 

Song of the Day:

Dating Rules from my Future Self

Usually around the time I get sick (by the way, for the past three days I've been mostly bedridden) I have a night or two where I just don't sleep. It's not that I'm tired and I can't fall asleep, but that I don't feel like sleeping when there's so much else I could be doing. Most of the time I'll eventually fall asleep, but not until around five am. Usually this leads to me discovering something totally unknown to my brain. These overnight discoveries have included AVEN, transposing music, anime, the Vlogbrothers, and The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee. As you can see, the internet influences a lot of my discoveries :P And it sure did this time. I just watched all nine episodes of a webseries called Dating Rules from my Future Self, and I have to say, it was worth my time. 

So imagine you could send texts to your past self and keep yourself from making what you now know is the biggest mistake of your life. That's what Lucy gets to do- or, at least, her ten-years-in-the-future self does. At the beginning of the series, Present Lucy is still dating the guy she has been for the past four years, who just asked her to marry him. She begins to receive texts from Future Lucy telling her not to do it. She slowly begins to trust herself, both Present and Future, and starts taking control of her life more and becomes the person she wants to be. 

I loved the series. The writing wasn't very well done in my opinion. It was very predictable (though there were a couple of scenes that I should've seen coming but didn't). The overall theme was something done so many times that it literally made me groan. However, I still greatly enjoyed it. The guys were very nice to look at. It was funny. It was cute and happy. It reminded me of the Love Inspired books I used to read like my life depended on it. You know how the story's going to end (in the books, the two main characters will have a fallout about fifty pages from the end, they'll both realize it was a huge misunderstanding usually with the help of a third party, whichever character wasn't originally a devout Christian will become one, and the characters would get engaged and then get married in the epilogue), but you still love reading it because it's dependable and it makes you warm and fuzzy inside. 

I'm hoping that the ninth episode wasn't the end because I'd like to see Lucy blossom more (also Taylor Kinney's super cute). Unfortunately from the looks of it, it was. So I'd have to give the entire series an 8/10 because it could have used a few more twists. But that's just me :D

I Freaking Love My Friends

Last week, I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Ron was one of those "one-way-street" deals that I'm trying to get rid of, especially when he stopped showing up to places he said he would. Because of this, I was in a bad mood at lunch on Friday. I sat down on the couch with Matt and Moxi. Matt picked up on it within a minute. He and Mox worked to cheer me up, and they indulged me and my childish behavior, but they did not pressure me to tell them what was wrong. Joey came super late, but he still came. He sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my back right below the neck where it always hurts. I got tons of hugs from him. I left the library feeling much better.

Saturday was my birthday party. Ron was supposed to come, but he texted me at 4:58 that afternoon: "Hey i dont think ill be able to go now :( mii and my mother had another argument ( which happends a lot ). N she wont let mii go anywhere now. Im sorry... :'(" I texted back "Alright. See you on Tuesday." He never responded.

I decided not to let it bother me. Selby, Neil, and George were all super early, so the four of us hung out together. Raved about things like our love of countries like Finland, Norway, Sweden, Switzerland, etc., as well as Woodrow Wilson and Winston Churchill, and our dislike of France and Teddy Roosevelt, and our pity for Russia. Played with the puppy. Stuff like that.

Then Moxi's group arrived. It was her, and her boyfriend Alex, and Joey and his girlfriend Avalon who is Moxi's godsister. Matt arrived a little later. Then Adam's gang arrived. It was him, his girlfriend Brenna, our friend Paul who I'll get to in a separate post because this will be very long anyway, and Jake. My friend Brittany pulled up at the same time. We showed Joey and Paul how much they look alike, and then the two groups kind of split for the majority of the rest of the night. They don't like each other much because of some drama that happened between Adam and Moxi. But they coexisted for me.

The party was just... it was great. I felt loved and wanted. People were happy. My mom and Molly (things are going great with her, by the way) kinda just stayed upstairs the whole time, but that was okay. I took a bunch of pictures, but was constantly leaving my camera places. We confiscated the cheeseballs from Paul and Adam because they couldn't stop eating them. I got some pretty awesome presents which you can see here, as well as a gift certificate to my favorite store from Neil (which isn't pictured because I'm not quite sure where I put it after showing my mom...).

Near the end of the party, I got super-emotional. It was pretty bad. When Adam said he needed to take Brenna and Paul home (I'd given them Benadryl earlier and they both chose the dosage that I warned always knocked me out, and they were asleep in my hallway), I got very close to tears. I hugged Paul like three times, and begged him to be my older brother. He responded "I've always wanted a sister" but his words were super-slurred so everyone told me to ask him again later :P (I ended up asking him again last night. "You're already like a little sister to me! I've told everyone that. xD")

Then it was just me, Matt, Neil, Moxi, and Alex. We hung out in my green room, and I started crying. They all ignored it, but it wasn't the bad ignore. It was the "we realize you're hurting, and we're kinda confused, but you're trying to hide it so we won't make a big deal of it" ignore again. I love that type of ignore. Mox, Alex, and Matt sat on the love seat, and Neil and I both laid down on the floor using my giant stuffed husky as a pillow. We cracked jokes and poked fun and overall just acted like the great group of friends we've become. Alex and Matt have always been tight, and Moxi's dating Alex and they are so in love it's adorable, and Moxi introduced me to them and I dragged Neil along with me. All we were missing was Zach, who is Matt's best friend after Alex. I have more to say about them, but I'll get to that another time.

Eventually Matt pointed out the time and offered Neil a ride home (Moxi and Alex had already arranged to get a ride from him). Matt asked if I wanted him to take Neil. I told him that I didn't want any of them to leave, but if any of them had to leave I wanted them all to leave at once, like ripping off a band-aid. I got hugs from everyone, and they left. And I started sobbing.

It took me a little while to figure out why I was crying so hard. At first I didn't think it was tears of joy, because they don't leave me sobbing. One thing I've noticed about me, though: when I'm depressed, and someone compliments me or show they care, I get teary-eyed. I just got out of a depression that day, and I was still feeling the after-effects. Then I went through... seven hours of people showing that they cared, and I kinda just exploded.

On Sunday, I got to thinking. I have amazing friends. They are absolutely wonderful. I texted Moxi when I had calmed down enough to see.
"Are you guys all still in the same car?"
"Yes <3"
"Can you make everyone promise to not leave me permanently?"
"Matt says he can do that. Alex says of course. Luke" (they call Neil Luke because it bugs me) "says yes. And I say herp derp. <3"
I believe them. And I know Mary will never leave me, and Selby says I'm not allowed to abandon her so it should go both ways, and I've got all these other friends who I don't think are going to leave me alone anytime soon. So what if some people don't want to be my friends? So what if people leave me? So what if people use me? I still have my friends. And if some of them end up being those people who leave, it's okay. I'll make more. So many people come in and out of my life. Even in the past few days I think I've made a new friend on AVEN. So if I'm left by a few, I'll still have others. And even if all my friends leave, I'll still have my family. I won't be alone. I don't need to desperately cling to relationships that aren't healthy for one party or the other. That's a really comforting realization. And for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I've gone six days being completely content. I hope they continue. 

Song of the Day: "I Can Walk on Water" by Basshunter

Also. Birthdagh.

Today's my birthday! It was so much better than the last two were. My fifteenth birthday made me want to kill myself. Literally. But I've already talked about that. And last year's sucked, too. But overall today was pretty amazing.

Pissed. Off.

There are a couple of nice, happy cheerful blog posts coming up. This is not one of them. 

So I had this friend, who turned out not to be such a great friend after all. I first met him on AVEN. I befriended him even though I suspected from the start that he was close minded, because the first post I ever saw from him was asking how a gray-ace (one that is between asexual and sexual) could possibly exist. Now, I can understand his question. It was the way he worded it. It wasn't "how does this work?" It was "You're all wrong. You're either sexual or asexual. There is no middle ground." It was small-minded and hurtful to me as a gray-ace. But I still became friends with him, because I knew from other posts he made later that he needed a friend. 

It turned out to be a huge mistake. I introduced him to Mary, and that was a mistake as well. He turned out to be not that good of a friend. In fact, honestly, he turned out to be a horrible friend. If he needed to talk to someone, we had to immediately drop everything and tend to him. If we went more than a day without starting a conversation with him, or if we were too busy to get back to him when he sent us a message, he accused us of being selfish and not caring about him. If we needed some time to ourselves, suddenly we're "shutting him off." He constantly would tell us that he's giving up, and then delete his Facebook and stop going on AVEN. He'd post a blog post about how no one cared about him, and people would feel bad for him and let him wallow some more. Then a week later, he'd come crawling back, apologizing for being a terrible person and telling us that if we never want to talk to him again, he'd understand. And we'd take him back. Me because I felt guilty. Her because she's a good person and she cared about him. 

But tonight, I am done. 

Ron and I broke up today, and I'm not talking to this "friend" anymore. I am just done. I'm done with people expecting me to do everything for them, and I'm done with being accused of doing wrong just because my internet's acting up again or I'm too depressed to get out of bed. Because you know what? Shit happens, okay? You can't expect everyone to be there for you every second of the day. I'm done wondering if I've lost him for good. I'm done with the emotional rollercoaster. I'm done feeling guilty. 

I understand needing people. Hell, I need Mary so bad sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't hear from her. But what he doesn't seem to understand is that other people have lives and problems too. Friendships are two-way streets. I help you, you help me. It goes both ways. I know not all relationships are fifty/fifty. I've been in a lot that are more like seventy/thirty. But it should never be one hundred/zero. That's not friendship, that's counselling, and that requires payment. So I guess even that's not one hundred/zero. (Math Joke: 100/0 isn't possible anyway, you can't divide by zero). When it comes time for the giver to take, the taker should be understanding and willing to pay back their debts. That's just the way it works. At least in my mind. 

/rant

Song of the Day: "Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet" by Fall Out Boy (keeps getting stuck in my head)